"It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade."

It has been a LOOOONG time since a post has shown up here hasn't it? The purpose of this space was to have a medium to convey life lessons via personal experience from a heightened state of being (see Jung's definition of the 'modern man'). When this was no longer the case I stopped, triggered mainly by a misinterpretation from an outsider's view. So we begin version 3.0 of blogging with a question.

The Question: Why do I continually put myself in this situation?

This is a question that I rarely take the time to ask myself despite the relevance it has in numerous circumstances. It is natural for me to lie to myself, however, I have come to find that when I finish trying to convince myself of an answer and allow the actual answer to surface, I am provided true insight into who I am as well as tendencies of our species.
These are the brief responses to some nagging questions that I felt the need to answer. I thought of posting the questions but felt that it took away from the purity of these truths by simplifying them to responses.

• Because I hate not knowing something about myself to the point where I go out of my way to set up means by which I can find things out if necessary.

• Because I am the happiest when I'm making someone else happy. It amazes me how my brain subconsciously processes and stores what makes someone else happy.

• I love to be immersed in my thoughts, alone or with someone else. The problem with the latter is finding a sufficiently able-minded partner which makes me seem like a loner.

• Because I supremely enjoy feeling exhausted in the physical and mental sense, I pass out more often than I 'fall asleep'.

• Because I see people's flaws, they're views on them, the reasons behind them, how they affect those around them, as well as the solutions to the resulting unhappiness with absolute simplicity. This is a relatively new ability and I'm not sure that I am completely comfortable with having that kind of knowledge all the time. It prevents me from getting close to anyone that I don't already know and makes me feel as though I should say something to those I do know even though I know I shouldn't.
  

I'm going to try my best to keep up to date with this thing as I believe it is a generally good influence on my life. Some topics to be delved into at a later date include (in no particular order):

Playing both sides.
The opposite-gender version of oneself.
The delicate balance between ridicule and constructive criticism.
The reason highly educated individuals choose religion.
The future of our nation (from a politically neutral standpoint).
The causes and effects of fear and adrenaline.
Analysis of honesty as the best policy.
The importance of sports in American culture.
The correlation between drugs, society and the fine arts(emphasis on music).
How technology has changed us for the worse.
The creation and consequential destruction of the universe.
The knowledge provided by one's web browser.
The subconscious mind.
The definition of success.
Relationship dynamics and why some work but most fail.


If you wish to request discussion on a topic listed (or not listed) above feel free, however, I make no promises that it will influence the order in which the topics are discussed or if the topic is discussed at all. I dislike forcing my writing like this as it is not my style.

"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both."

I normally don't use this as a medium for political ramblings, however, I wish that more of today's "inspired youth voters" took what Dwight D. Eisenhower said more seriously, rather than viewing the upcoming election as a chance to gain more privileges. We are a nation founded on the beliefs of the individual. Our right to believe and live according to our own religious doctrine was the cornerstone for the beginning of our great nation. Unfortunately, we have slowly been slipping into a form of tyranny and imperialism in our affairs that has caused us to mistakenly believe that changing to more socialist principles is the answer.

We have moved to a state of expecting our government to have control over our lives rather than merely allowing the government to operate with influence from our lives. We are hoping to choose a new president that will aid us individually as much as possible rather than considering what is best for our nation and its government. This is a prime example of valuing our privileges above our principles. We are willing to forgo the very beliefs that set this country apart from the others in order to exploit free 'benefits' from our government.

What is the goal of the new America?
As a nation, we have come to a crossroads in our decision making that is to shape the majority of our lives as well as the future generations' to come. The problem is too many things to fund and not enough money to fund them all. So we are forced to choose between better medical equipment for those on their deathbeds or better (i.e. fully functional) military equipment for those oversees. Money could be spent to increase police presence in unsafe areas or to fix 'unsafe' roads, bridges, parks, etc. but not both. While still dealing with monetary issues and branching more into the social realm, education is a prevalent example of two distinctively different paths. Should 'No child [be] left behind' by spending extra time and funds on troubled students whose brain will most likely not be their key to success in life, or should we devote extra resources to those with a higher intellectual capacity. Our fear over political correctness has made it easier for funding to be granted for more challenged schools than to allow the best schools to get better. Why are we striving so much for complete equality rather than embracing the individuality and spirit that brought this great nation to power?

I hope that people who have decided to vote for a candidate according to the change they believe can be brought about by his election know what they are really voting for. I hope they understand what their candidate stands for on the less flashy levels than discussed in debates and vote according to their principles rather than their privileges.

"I've been shot in the back by my fears"

AM I A GOOD PERSON DOING 'BAD' THINGS?

OR A BAD PERSON DOING 'GOOD' THINGS?

Leave it to the clever 'Showtime-employed' writers to come up with a morally righteous serial killer. It was the trigger to pull me back into my creative mindset from which I prefer to view the world. The way he analyzes his surroundings, as if he is an alien gathering as much observable data as possible by acknowledging the slightest quirks others unknowingly exhibit. All the while his appearance to the outside world is that of complete normalcy with no quirks to give away any of his secrets. Secrets that must be kept hidden away regardless of how justified he believes his actions to be.

Last Tuesday I purchased season two of Dexter (Showtime series about the aforementioned killer) in time to watch all twelve episodes before the third season's premiere episode this past Sunday night. It has been a major contributor in the reawakening of my creative mind. A lot has happened recently that I have been directly involved with and the dust hadn't settled enough to see the whole situation clearly until very recently. This is really my first chance to come back to this blissfully detached state of thought.

It's strange how my parents finding out about the bud went from such a big deal in my mind while I had to hide it from them, to now being the least of my concerns since they found out and I was required to cease such activities immediately. Add another tally to proving the "nothing to fear but fear itself" saying correct. The fact that we've moved past that shocking bit of information so quickly and can converse normally is such a huge weight lifted from my chest. The cat is out of the bag and my father will make sure that I don't stray down the wrong path again. I realized how careless I have been. Thinking I couldn't get caught when such a small thing, like a drunk with a loud mouth and nothing to lose, could seemingly bring my world caving in around me.

I've always felt that my actions were keeping things from falling apart around me and therefore I had the responsibility of 'holding up the roof'. When my 'control' over certain aspects of my life was taken from me, I felt the impending doom of the structure around me. Surprisingly enough, the partially caving roof over my life not only didn't fall through, it has been rebuilt sturdier and better than before. Turns out I wasn't the only one making sure the roof didn't collapse around me.

The moments were so surreal and forced a feeling like that of getting a second shot at life. I'm alive and my life has impact on those around me. My mannerisms are on constant display and people enjoy me for who I am rather than whomever I feel the need to pretend to be. I am accepted by those around me for who I am without needing to do or be anything extra. The desire to act in different ways depending on the situation no longer calls to me the way it used to. Instead, my anxiety is gone and I see things more clearly, hear music more intensely and enjoy the finer things in life. Rather than consistently considering others opinions of enjoyment as fact, I'm taking pleasure in whatever fate brings my way in any manner because I'm happy with myself for the first time in quite a while.

"Yeah but you know me.
I will do
What I gotta do
In spite of you.
Then you will be,
Patiently,
Dreaming of me
In spite of you
In misery."

Artist of choice for the evening has been Head Automatica in keeping with the motif of not caring what others think. Such an amazing combination of the simple sophistication in the lyrics backed by the detached hatred within the vocal inflections. The flow of the instruments with the vocals allows the lyrics to convey messages in the most direct manner possible. The final product paints a very detailed picture in the listener's mind and allows the listener to 'feel' the music flowing through them if they can relate to the lyrics, some of which fill me with life. It's personal music instead of forced noise for the purpose of impressing others.

"You heighten yourself, to lower the blame and
You martyr yourself to heighten the fame and
You lower yourself to draw the compassion.
Here's to YOU!!
You want a medal for the things you've done
But if you really did a damn thing we would have gave you one.
You want a mountain with your face engraved
So everyone will know the face when approached by the runaway.
Hip hip hooray, you're our saving grace.
Here's to you, and your poker face."

"I'm talking shameless
In the thick of it, You can't get rid of it
Desperation is calling you!
Desperation is calling you!!
"You don't got a clue.
They're laughing at you,
Laughing yes its true.
You don't even see.
They're laughing at you,
Laughing at you to me.


Philosophy: I believe that in order to be truly happy, money has to become of no consideration in direct regards to happiness. It has to reach a point of becoming too easy to make without letting it corrupt the necessary ability to enjoy living beneath your means. When a person can be truly happy living as though they are poor when the money is technically there for any purchase that could be desired, they have figured out a way to have continuing happiness. Too many people's lives revolve around little green pieces of paper as though it had a direct correlation to their happiness because they fear being without it.

"So that's how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone."

[Disclaimer: This entire post has the potential to be somewhat incorrect. This is my venting medium.]

If you believe there to be a problem between yourself and another person, what is the appropriate action to take?

If someone has a problem with me, I really wish they would confront me about it. I do not believe that anything I have said or done warrants being viewed in any sort of bad light and I have gone out of my way to try not to make anyone have a problem with me. I have kept others' best interests ahead of my own to the point of complete isolation. In trying to do what was I thought was best, I believe I was thrown under the bus; the kindness of my reformed state taken advantage of yet again.

These past few months, or even expanded to this whole calendar year, have been more mentally, physically and emotionally taxing than any other period in my life. Currently only one of these is being treated by a physician, while the other two could each end up having their own specialists by year's end. I've gone through many strange, interesting and even horrible experiences that are sometimes best dealt with by simply being able to talk them out with someone who understands. By having the 'truth' skewed (to my own degradation) I was limited in dealing with my issues because I was unable to speak the truth about them. This may have assisted the already underway process of driving me to the brink of insanity.

To get to my point: I may be wrongfully accused in a certain situation.
I understand that I may be completely mistaken on the idea that the accusation was wrong and/or that I am even being accused of anything. It is my guess, however, that I am not mistaken on either count and rather that I am upset at being accused of anything involving misconduct of my character in any way. In wrongfully taking blame to allow another to save face, I have become the bad guy to everyone's eyes. While trying to be a hero to someone I cared about, I became the enemy to others.

Was it worth it?
I was one-hundred percent sure that it was not only worth it, but the right thing to do at the time. I would be judged only by those people too closed minded to want the truth. The ones who gladly accept whatever they are told from a "credible" source without the desire to seek out the truth for themselves. Lost souls searching for meaning they can understand, I pity them.

• It was the right thing to do to allow degradation to my own character in order to prevent the same fate from happening to someone with more to lose.

• It was the right thing to do to spare people deserving of my pity/help any pain I am able to prevent, by allowing myself to be a scapegoat.

Aiding those people by allowing them to think poorly of me has taken its toll, however, as I am forced to live a lie. My outlets for being able to discuss anything are limited due to an array mutual friends lacking the knack to keep secrets. My immediate desire to deal with the situation was deflected continually, with short instances of contact (with an air of what I perceived to be gratitude) sprinkled intermittently.Demonstrations that doing the right thing is appreciated serve as a reminder that helping those less fortunate is indeed worth it.

Therefore, until quite recently, it was worth it.
Now however, I believe I am being degraded in a rather "pot calling the kettle black" sort of manner. I have been forced into an outcast social role by preventing ridicule to another (while taking it myself), merely to be publicly ridiculed by that same person for acting in said social role.
"If only you knew half as much as you pretend to", or if you at least try to find out the truth before making accusations, I would have still thought it worthwhile to help all those less fortunate.

Actions such as these chill my spine, and my heart grows slightly colder. I believe ever more firmly that a growing number of the population does not deserve the common courtesy or respect of everyday interaction, let alone the aid of those willing and able to give a little extra.

Some people hardly deserve pity, why should they deserve help?
Despite one's flaws, can you blame the actions of ignorance?

The masses of this world are so plugged into their mob mentality that they are unable to view the real world outside of the "world" created for them by their peers. If only to try to better mankind as a whole, such situations should not let be forgotten.



What's in my head:
"We're catching bullets with our heads and hearts and all the darkest parts of us, it's strange to find such light in such endless night."

"Everybody knows its all about the things that get stuck inside of your head"

UF vs. UM game today, should provide more than enough entertainment for the next twenty-four hours. Hopefully I'll get to play some Boccie ball and/or ping pong while tailgating today. Nick gave me three books on the 'art of table tennis' last night, lol. Made me miss playing it every now and again so I've been considering buying one. With even more motivation knowing that I would have people who would like to play as well.

In other news, I got my TV back the other day. Now all I need is a kitchen table (possibly just a ping pong table with some plywood on top) and a coffee table (which I think will be custom built by a friend of mine) and the house will finally look like we didn't JUST move in. While I was getting the tele' back I spent a brief moment shooting the shit at the apartment despite my stomach's best efforts to turn itself inside out and the jolt of nerves running down my spine. I found out that we believe we are tailgating in the same part of town today as well as sitting merely ten (out of 90) rows away from each other in the same section at the game. My life's dramatic irony never ceases to amaze me. It is moments like this that make me believe it could be worth the documentation, a 'movie moment' as my pseudo cousin would say. Hopefully it will at least be an interesting and/or enjoyable day.

Only working one day this week yet still making enough to survive comfortably. I know that I wanted to cut back on my work hours during school but I think I need to talk to Nick about boosting me up to at least three shifts a week. Too much free time makes me procrastinate more than when I am on a tight deadline to finish. And the busier I stay the less of a bum I feel like and thus less depression sets in on a nightly basis. Ideally I would like to work myself to the point of physical and mental exhaustion all day while leaving myself a couple hours at the end of it to relax in my self medicated state of being. If everything sets up and works out well enough, that schedule could be easier to maintain than it seems. Schoolwork will allow me enough to do to reach mental exhaustion and if I can start getting into a workout routine and/or playing IMs, the physical exhaustion part could follow suit.

"It's too hard to focus through all this doubt"

So it was Labor Day yesterday. No class for students and no work for certain occupations. I am unfortunately not in one of those occupations. I originally had the day off but picked up a morning expo shift not realizing it was going to be way busier than a normal Monday morning. Seventy two hundred dollars in sales and eighty bucks in cash later I arrive home exhausted from work yet eagerly awaiting soccer in an hour. So eagerly in fact that I believe I started to give myself an anxiety attack and really felt nauseous. That feeling lingered all the way throughout soccer where I felt moments away from vomiting on the pitch numerous times.

My unmotivated state of being has brought me to the conclusion that I am living too many lives. I have to play the big brother, the drinker, the smoker, the athlete, the good son, the 'bad' son, the nuke student, and the food service employee. I feel as though nobody knows all of them so therefore its as if I am lying to each person by not revealing my true self. Even if I were trying to be honest and upfront about describing myself, I wouldn't know where to begin. I have this stinging fear of being unable to open up to another human being and I think that I've purposefully avoided circumstances in which such a case may have presented itself.

"Are we demented or am I disturbed? The space that's in between insane and insecure."

As a species, I believe mankind has evolved to accommodate the more intelligent and/or capable as 'Natural Selection' would have it. Therefore if mankind is consistently evolving for more intelligence, each generation would be the smartest generation and each year the smartest year. But to what extent? It would be impossible to continue like that forever. At some point an apex needs to be reached. Henceforth signaling the beginning of the decline of intelligence for our species, most prominently in the Caucasian race . When did we reach it? Have we reached it? When will we reach it?

Is it crazy to think that we may be in, on, or around the peak of such an evolutionary inevitability? There are plenty of reasons for our species to become less intelligent involving our generation. Technology has allowed for people to become more lazy as many automated events take part in a person's day. Almost every person has a cellular device and/or access to the internet where they more than likely own at least a few portions of terrain (webpages).