I normally don't use this as a medium for political ramblings, however, I wish that more of today's "inspired youth voters" took what Dwight D. Eisenhower said more seriously, rather than viewing the upcoming election as a chance to gain more privileges. We are a nation founded on the beliefs of the individual. Our right to believe and live according to our own religious doctrine was the cornerstone for the beginning of our great nation. Unfortunately, we have slowly been slipping into a form of tyranny and imperialism in our affairs that has caused us to mistakenly believe that changing to more socialist principles is the answer.
We have moved to a state of expecting our government to have control over our lives rather than merely allowing the government to operate with influence from our lives. We are hoping to choose a new president that will aid us individually as much as possible rather than considering what is best for our nation and its government. This is a prime example of valuing our privileges above our principles. We are willing to forgo the very beliefs that set this country apart from the others in order to exploit free 'benefits' from our government.
What is the goal of the new America?
As a nation, we have come to a crossroads in our decision making that is to shape the majority of our lives as well as the future generations' to come. The problem is too many things to fund and not enough money to fund them all. So we are forced to choose between better medical equipment for those on their deathbeds or better (i.e. fully functional) military equipment for those oversees. Money could be spent to increase police presence in unsafe areas or to fix 'unsafe' roads, bridges, parks, etc. but not both. While still dealing with monetary issues and branching more into the social realm, education is a prevalent example of two distinctively different paths. Should 'No child [be] left behind' by spending extra time and funds on troubled students whose brain will most likely not be their key to success in life, or should we devote extra resources to those with a higher intellectual capacity. Our fear over political correctness has made it easier for funding to be granted for more challenged schools than to allow the best schools to get better. Why are we striving so much for complete equality rather than embracing the individuality and spirit that brought this great nation to power?
I hope that people who have decided to vote for a candidate according to the change they believe can be brought about by his election know what they are really voting for. I hope they understand what their candidate stands for on the less flashy levels than discussed in debates and vote according to their principles rather than their privileges.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
"I've been shot in the back by my fears"
AM I A GOOD PERSON DOING 'BAD' THINGS?
OR A BAD PERSON DOING 'GOOD' THINGS?
Leave it to the clever 'Showtime-employed' writers to come up with a morally righteous serial killer. It was the trigger to pull me back into my creative mindset from which I prefer to view the world. The way he analyzes his surroundings, as if he is an alien gathering as much observable data as possible by acknowledging the slightest quirks others unknowingly exhibit. All the while his appearance to the outside world is that of complete normalcy with no quirks to give away any of his secrets. Secrets that must be kept hidden away regardless of how justified he believes his actions to be.
Last Tuesday I purchased season two of Dexter (Showtime series about the aforementioned killer) in time to watch all twelve episodes before the third season's premiere episode this past Sunday night. It has been a major contributor in the reawakening of my creative mind. A lot has happened recently that I have been directly involved with and the dust hadn't settled enough to see the whole situation clearly until very recently. This is really my first chance to come back to this blissfully detached state of thought.
It's strange how my parents finding out about the bud went from such a big deal in my mind while I had to hide it from them, to now being the least of my concerns since they found out and I was required to cease such activities immediately. Add another tally to proving the "nothing to fear but fear itself" saying correct. The fact that we've moved past that shocking bit of information so quickly and can converse normally is such a huge weight lifted from my chest. The cat is out of the bag and my father will make sure that I don't stray down the wrong path again. I realized how careless I have been. Thinking I couldn't get caught when such a small thing, like a drunk with a loud mouth and nothing to lose, could seemingly bring my world caving in around me.
I've always felt that my actions were keeping things from falling apart around me and therefore I had the responsibility of 'holding up the roof'. When my 'control' over certain aspects of my life was taken from me, I felt the impending doom of the structure around me. Surprisingly enough, the partially caving roof over my life not only didn't fall through, it has been rebuilt sturdier and better than before. Turns out I wasn't the only one making sure the roof didn't collapse around me.
The moments were so surreal and forced a feeling like that of getting a second shot at life. I'm alive and my life has impact on those around me. My mannerisms are on constant display and people enjoy me for who I am rather than whomever I feel the need to pretend to be. I am accepted by those around me for who I am without needing to do or be anything extra. The desire to act in different ways depending on the situation no longer calls to me the way it used to. Instead, my anxiety is gone and I see things more clearly, hear music more intensely and enjoy the finer things in life. Rather than consistently considering others opinions of enjoyment as fact, I'm taking pleasure in whatever fate brings my way in any manner because I'm happy with myself for the first time in quite a while.
"Yeah but you know me.
I will do
What I gotta do
In spite of you.
Then you will be,
Patiently,
Dreaming of me
In spite of you
In misery."
Artist of choice for the evening has been Head Automatica in keeping with the motif of not caring what others think. Such an amazing combination of the simple sophistication in the lyrics backed by the detached hatred within the vocal inflections. The flow of the instruments with the vocals allows the lyrics to convey messages in the most direct manner possible. The final product paints a very detailed picture in the listener's mind and allows the listener to 'feel' the music flowing through them if they can relate to the lyrics, some of which fill me with life. It's personal music instead of forced noise for the purpose of impressing others.
"You heighten yourself, to lower the blame and
You martyr yourself to heighten the fame and
You lower yourself to draw the compassion.
Here's to YOU!!
You want a medal for the things you've done
But if you really did a damn thing we would have gave you one.
You want a mountain with your face engraved
So everyone will know the face when approached by the runaway.
Hip hip hooray, you're our saving grace.
Here's to you, and your poker face."
"I'm talking shameless
In the thick of it, You can't get rid of it
Desperation is calling you!
Desperation is calling you!!
"You don't got a clue.
They're laughing at you,
Laughing yes its true.
You don't even see.
They're laughing at you,
Laughing at you to me.
Philosophy: I believe that in order to be truly happy, money has to become of no consideration in direct regards to happiness. It has to reach a point of becoming too easy to make without letting it corrupt the necessary ability to enjoy living beneath your means. When a person can be truly happy living as though they are poor when the money is technically there for any purchase that could be desired, they have figured out a way to have continuing happiness. Too many people's lives revolve around little green pieces of paper as though it had a direct correlation to their happiness because they fear being without it.
Last Tuesday I purchased season two of Dexter (Showtime series about the aforementioned killer) in time to watch all twelve episodes before the third season's premiere episode this past Sunday night. It has been a major contributor in the reawakening of my creative mind. A lot has happened recently that I have been directly involved with and the dust hadn't settled enough to see the whole situation clearly until very recently. This is really my first chance to come back to this blissfully detached state of thought.
It's strange how my parents finding out about the bud went from such a big deal in my mind while I had to hide it from them, to now being the least of my concerns since they found out and I was required to cease such activities immediately. Add another tally to proving the "nothing to fear but fear itself" saying correct. The fact that we've moved past that shocking bit of information so quickly and can converse normally is such a huge weight lifted from my chest. The cat is out of the bag and my father will make sure that I don't stray down the wrong path again. I realized how careless I have been. Thinking I couldn't get caught when such a small thing, like a drunk with a loud mouth and nothing to lose, could seemingly bring my world caving in around me.
I've always felt that my actions were keeping things from falling apart around me and therefore I had the responsibility of 'holding up the roof'. When my 'control' over certain aspects of my life was taken from me, I felt the impending doom of the structure around me. Surprisingly enough, the partially caving roof over my life not only didn't fall through, it has been rebuilt sturdier and better than before. Turns out I wasn't the only one making sure the roof didn't collapse around me.
The moments were so surreal and forced a feeling like that of getting a second shot at life. I'm alive and my life has impact on those around me. My mannerisms are on constant display and people enjoy me for who I am rather than whomever I feel the need to pretend to be. I am accepted by those around me for who I am without needing to do or be anything extra. The desire to act in different ways depending on the situation no longer calls to me the way it used to. Instead, my anxiety is gone and I see things more clearly, hear music more intensely and enjoy the finer things in life. Rather than consistently considering others opinions of enjoyment as fact, I'm taking pleasure in whatever fate brings my way in any manner because I'm happy with myself for the first time in quite a while.
"Yeah but you know me.
I will do
What I gotta do
In spite of you.
Then you will be,
Patiently,
Dreaming of me
In spite of you
In misery."
Artist of choice for the evening has been Head Automatica in keeping with the motif of not caring what others think. Such an amazing combination of the simple sophistication in the lyrics backed by the detached hatred within the vocal inflections. The flow of the instruments with the vocals allows the lyrics to convey messages in the most direct manner possible. The final product paints a very detailed picture in the listener's mind and allows the listener to 'feel' the music flowing through them if they can relate to the lyrics, some of which fill me with life. It's personal music instead of forced noise for the purpose of impressing others.
"You heighten yourself, to lower the blame and
You martyr yourself to heighten the fame and
You lower yourself to draw the compassion.
Here's to YOU!!
You want a medal for the things you've done
But if you really did a damn thing we would have gave you one.
You want a mountain with your face engraved
So everyone will know the face when approached by the runaway.
Hip hip hooray, you're our saving grace.
Here's to you, and your poker face."
"I'm talking shameless
In the thick of it, You can't get rid of it
Desperation is calling you!
Desperation is calling you!!
"You don't got a clue.
They're laughing at you,
Laughing yes its true.
You don't even see.
They're laughing at you,
Laughing at you to me.
Philosophy: I believe that in order to be truly happy, money has to become of no consideration in direct regards to happiness. It has to reach a point of becoming too easy to make without letting it corrupt the necessary ability to enjoy living beneath your means. When a person can be truly happy living as though they are poor when the money is technically there for any purchase that could be desired, they have figured out a way to have continuing happiness. Too many people's lives revolve around little green pieces of paper as though it had a direct correlation to their happiness because they fear being without it.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
"So that's how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone."
[Disclaimer: This entire post has the potential to be somewhat incorrect. This is my venting medium.]
If you believe there to be a problem between yourself and another person, what is the appropriate action to take?
If someone has a problem with me, I really wish they would confront me about it. I do not believe that anything I have said or done warrants being viewed in any sort of bad light and I have gone out of my way to try not to make anyone have a problem with me. I have kept others' best interests ahead of my own to the point of complete isolation. In trying to do what was I thought was best, I believe I was thrown under the bus; the kindness of my reformed state taken advantage of yet again.
These past few months, or even expanded to this whole calendar year, have been more mentally, physically and emotionally taxing than any other period in my life. Currently only one of these is being treated by a physician, while the other two could each end up having their own specialists by year's end. I've gone through many strange, interesting and even horrible experiences that are sometimes best dealt with by simply being able to talk them out with someone who understands. By having the 'truth' skewed (to my own degradation) I was limited in dealing with my issues because I was unable to speak the truth about them. This may have assisted the already underway process of driving me to the brink of insanity.
To get to my point: I may be wrongfully accused in a certain situation.
I understand that I may be completely mistaken on the idea that the accusation was wrong and/or that I am even being accused of anything. It is my guess, however, that I am not mistaken on either count and rather that I am upset at being accused of anything involving misconduct of my character in any way. In wrongfully taking blame to allow another to save face, I have become the bad guy to everyone's eyes. While trying to be a hero to someone I cared about, I became the enemy to others.
Was it worth it?
I was one-hundred percent sure that it was not only worth it, but the right thing to do at the time. I would be judged only by those people too closed minded to want the truth. The ones who gladly accept whatever they are told from a "credible" source without the desire to seek out the truth for themselves. Lost souls searching for meaning they can understand, I pity them.
Therefore, until quite recently, it was worth it.
Now however, I believe I am being degraded in a rather "pot calling the kettle black" sort of manner. I have been forced into an outcast social role by preventing ridicule to another (while taking it myself), merely to be publicly ridiculed by that same person for acting in said social role.
"If only you knew half as much as you pretend to", or if you at least try to find out the truth before making accusations, I would have still thought it worthwhile to help all those less fortunate.
Actions such as these chill my spine, and my heart grows slightly colder. I believe ever more firmly that a growing number of the population does not deserve the common courtesy or respect of everyday interaction, let alone the aid of those willing and able to give a little extra.
Some people hardly deserve pity, why should they deserve help?
Despite one's flaws, can you blame the actions of ignorance?
The masses of this world are so plugged into their mob mentality that they are unable to view the real world outside of the "world" created for them by their peers. If only to try to better mankind as a whole, such situations should not let be forgotten.
What's in my head:
"We're catching bullets with our heads and hearts and all the darkest parts of us, it's strange to find such light in such endless night."
If you believe there to be a problem between yourself and another person, what is the appropriate action to take?
If someone has a problem with me, I really wish they would confront me about it. I do not believe that anything I have said or done warrants being viewed in any sort of bad light and I have gone out of my way to try not to make anyone have a problem with me. I have kept others' best interests ahead of my own to the point of complete isolation. In trying to do what was I thought was best, I believe I was thrown under the bus; the kindness of my reformed state taken advantage of yet again.
These past few months, or even expanded to this whole calendar year, have been more mentally, physically and emotionally taxing than any other period in my life. Currently only one of these is being treated by a physician, while the other two could each end up having their own specialists by year's end. I've gone through many strange, interesting and even horrible experiences that are sometimes best dealt with by simply being able to talk them out with someone who understands. By having the 'truth' skewed (to my own degradation) I was limited in dealing with my issues because I was unable to speak the truth about them. This may have assisted the already underway process of driving me to the brink of insanity.
To get to my point: I may be wrongfully accused in a certain situation.
I understand that I may be completely mistaken on the idea that the accusation was wrong and/or that I am even being accused of anything. It is my guess, however, that I am not mistaken on either count and rather that I am upset at being accused of anything involving misconduct of my character in any way. In wrongfully taking blame to allow another to save face, I have become the bad guy to everyone's eyes. While trying to be a hero to someone I cared about, I became the enemy to others.
Was it worth it?
I was one-hundred percent sure that it was not only worth it, but the right thing to do at the time. I would be judged only by those people too closed minded to want the truth. The ones who gladly accept whatever they are told from a "credible" source without the desire to seek out the truth for themselves. Lost souls searching for meaning they can understand, I pity them.
- It was the right thing to do to allow degradation to my own character in order to prevent the same fate from happening to someone with more to lose.
- It was the right thing to do to spare people deserving of my pity/help any pain I am able to prevent, by allowing myself to be a scapegoat.
Therefore, until quite recently, it was worth it.
Now however, I believe I am being degraded in a rather "pot calling the kettle black" sort of manner. I have been forced into an outcast social role by preventing ridicule to another (while taking it myself), merely to be publicly ridiculed by that same person for acting in said social role.
"If only you knew half as much as you pretend to", or if you at least try to find out the truth before making accusations, I would have still thought it worthwhile to help all those less fortunate.
Actions such as these chill my spine, and my heart grows slightly colder. I believe ever more firmly that a growing number of the population does not deserve the common courtesy or respect of everyday interaction, let alone the aid of those willing and able to give a little extra.
Some people hardly deserve pity, why should they deserve help?
Despite one's flaws, can you blame the actions of ignorance?
The masses of this world are so plugged into their mob mentality that they are unable to view the real world outside of the "world" created for them by their peers. If only to try to better mankind as a whole, such situations should not let be forgotten.
What's in my head:
"We're catching bullets with our heads and hearts and all the darkest parts of us, it's strange to find such light in such endless night."
Saturday, September 6, 2008
"Everybody knows its all about the things that get stuck inside of your head"
UF vs. UM game today, should provide more than enough entertainment for the next twenty-four hours. Hopefully I'll get to play some Boccie ball and/or ping pong while tailgating today. Nick gave me three books on the 'art of table tennis' last night, lol. Made me miss playing it every now and again so I've been considering buying one. With even more motivation knowing that I would have people who would like to play as well.
In other news, I got my TV back the other day. Now all I need is a kitchen table (possibly just a ping pong table with some plywood on top) and a coffee table (which I think will be custom built by a friend of mine) and the house will finally look like we didn't JUST move in. While I was getting the tele' back I spent a brief moment shooting the shit at the apartment despite my stomach's best efforts to turn itself inside out and the jolt of nerves running down my spine. I found out that we believe we are tailgating in the same part of town today as well as sitting merely ten (out of 90) rows away from each other in the same section at the game. My life's dramatic irony never ceases to amaze me. It is moments like this that make me believe it could be worth the documentation, a 'movie moment' as my pseudo cousin would say. Hopefully it will at least be an interesting and/or enjoyable day.
Only working one day this week yet still making enough to survive comfortably. I know that I wanted to cut back on my work hours during school but I think I need to talk to Nick about boosting me up to at least three shifts a week. Too much free time makes me procrastinate more than when I am on a tight deadline to finish. And the busier I stay the less of a bum I feel like and thus less depression sets in on a nightly basis. Ideally I would like to work myself to the point of physical and mental exhaustion all day while leaving myself a couple hours at the end of it to relax in my self medicated state of being. If everything sets up and works out well enough, that schedule could be easier to maintain than it seems. Schoolwork will allow me enough to do to reach mental exhaustion and if I can start getting into a workout routine and/or playing IMs, the physical exhaustion part could follow suit.
In other news, I got my TV back the other day. Now all I need is a kitchen table (possibly just a ping pong table with some plywood on top) and a coffee table (which I think will be custom built by a friend of mine) and the house will finally look like we didn't JUST move in. While I was getting the tele' back I spent a brief moment shooting the shit at the apartment despite my stomach's best efforts to turn itself inside out and the jolt of nerves running down my spine. I found out that we believe we are tailgating in the same part of town today as well as sitting merely ten (out of 90) rows away from each other in the same section at the game. My life's dramatic irony never ceases to amaze me. It is moments like this that make me believe it could be worth the documentation, a 'movie moment' as my pseudo cousin would say. Hopefully it will at least be an interesting and/or enjoyable day.
Only working one day this week yet still making enough to survive comfortably. I know that I wanted to cut back on my work hours during school but I think I need to talk to Nick about boosting me up to at least three shifts a week. Too much free time makes me procrastinate more than when I am on a tight deadline to finish. And the busier I stay the less of a bum I feel like and thus less depression sets in on a nightly basis. Ideally I would like to work myself to the point of physical and mental exhaustion all day while leaving myself a couple hours at the end of it to relax in my self medicated state of being. If everything sets up and works out well enough, that schedule could be easier to maintain than it seems. Schoolwork will allow me enough to do to reach mental exhaustion and if I can start getting into a workout routine and/or playing IMs, the physical exhaustion part could follow suit.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
"It's too hard to focus through all this doubt"
So it was Labor Day yesterday. No class for students and no work for certain occupations. I am unfortunately not in one of those occupations. I originally had the day off but picked up a morning expo shift not realizing it was going to be way busier than a normal Monday morning. Seventy two hundred dollars in sales and eighty bucks in cash later I arrive home exhausted from work yet eagerly awaiting soccer in an hour. So eagerly in fact that I believe I started to give myself an anxiety attack and really felt nauseous. That feeling lingered all the way throughout soccer where I felt moments away from vomiting on the pitch numerous times.
My unmotivated state of being has brought me to the conclusion that I am living too many lives. I have to play the big brother, the drinker, the smoker, the athlete, the good son, the 'bad' son, the nuke student, and the food service employee. I feel as though nobody knows all of them so therefore its as if I am lying to each person by not revealing my true self. Even if I were trying to be honest and upfront about describing myself, I wouldn't know where to begin. I have this stinging fear of being unable to open up to another human being and I think that I've purposefully avoided circumstances in which such a case may have presented itself.
My unmotivated state of being has brought me to the conclusion that I am living too many lives. I have to play the big brother, the drinker, the smoker, the athlete, the good son, the 'bad' son, the nuke student, and the food service employee. I feel as though nobody knows all of them so therefore its as if I am lying to each person by not revealing my true self. Even if I were trying to be honest and upfront about describing myself, I wouldn't know where to begin. I have this stinging fear of being unable to open up to another human being and I think that I've purposefully avoided circumstances in which such a case may have presented itself.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
"Are we demented or am I disturbed? The space that's in between insane and insecure."
As a species, I believe mankind has evolved to accommodate the more intelligent and/or capable as 'Natural Selection' would have it. Therefore if mankind is consistently evolving for more intelligence, each generation would be the smartest generation and each year the smartest year. But to what extent? It would be impossible to continue like that forever. At some point an apex needs to be reached. Henceforth signaling the beginning of the decline of intelligence for our species, most prominently in the Caucasian race . When did we reach it? Have we reached it? When will we reach it?
Is it crazy to think that we may be in, on, or around the peak of such an evolutionary inevitability? There are plenty of reasons for our species to become less intelligent involving our generation. Technology has allowed for people to become more lazy as many automated events take part in a person's day. Almost every person has a cellular device and/or access to the internet where they more than likely own at least a few portions of terrain (webpages).
Is it crazy to think that we may be in, on, or around the peak of such an evolutionary inevitability? There are plenty of reasons for our species to become less intelligent involving our generation. Technology has allowed for people to become more lazy as many automated events take part in a person's day. Almost every person has a cellular device and/or access to the internet where they more than likely own at least a few portions of terrain (webpages).
Saturday, August 23, 2008
"There's an emptiness that echoes through it all"
I picked up a shift tonight because someone wanted to give it up. Very glad I did so as my night would have been far less entertaining as well as less profitable. I closed lounge, and even on a dead 'hurricane' night I still pulled in well over a bill. Also as it is that bi-monthly occurrence where Brinker gives me money and the government takes its taxes, I received an extra two bills in the bank account. And to top off those great chili's payments, my second job had its highest grossing single day so far bringing in at least a bill. Saturday August 23rd, what irony. Happy Birthday........
I have to live with this for now. It will be worth the wait and it will prove itself to be the correct decision made in this circumstance. How quickly the big picture is easily tossed aside for the more detailed and present situations.
Overall: Great night at work. Fun times at Ale. $$$$. Strawberry wrap and six heads. Five star folk and a TR visit. Chill sesh' out back of 620 where I got to see the newly broken TV.
Passed out.
I have to live with this for now. It will be worth the wait and it will prove itself to be the correct decision made in this circumstance. How quickly the big picture is easily tossed aside for the more detailed and present situations.
Overall: Great night at work. Fun times at Ale. $$$$. Strawberry wrap and six heads. Five star folk and a TR visit. Chill sesh' out back of 620 where I got to see the newly broken TV.
Passed out.
Friday, August 22, 2008
"I visit hell on a daily basis, and I see the sadness in all your faces"
So Fay has been teasing us for the last few days. All I've been hearing is how 'tomorrow is supposed to be really bad weather' for the last few days. Today began that bad weather but according to the satellite we are just at the beginning. I hope that nothing goes awry because of the storm but I'm almost glad there is a storm here. I find peace with the storm present. It's as if I feel the pressure change within myself or maybe it just makes everyone else's lives seem as chaotic and tumultuous as mine is on a daily basis. This is not how I had planned to spend my last few days before school started up again for the Fall '08 semester. Then again, how had I planned to spend that time? I hadn't. I have the next couple days off of work so I should really get everything together that I need for school and find a fourth class to fill my schedule up.
I'm going to miss this state of mind/being. It's taken an entire summer of experimenting and putting my body through unethical and illicit circumstances to figure out exactly what brings about this state. I'm happy with my findings yet am not done with my research. I don't know how often or even when the next time will be that I will be able to continue this research.
This is the reason to be in Gainesville though. With classes beginning in just a few days, there are millions of people who would love the opportunity to be in this city doing half of what I'm doing. I need to keep that in mind when the demons of depression come knocking. Even though I know and preach of looking at the big picture, for some reason it is still so easy to concentrate on recent events and get caught up in all the thoughts that entails. Zoom out. If I appear to be happy to others and in a lucky situation and capable of having so much in front of me, why is it so hard for me to think about anything but this black hole in my mind?
I know how and why I have classified myself in certain ways throughout my life. This is where the weak turn to religion. Or maybe its where the wise turn to religion. I'm going to stick with my belief of the former and see if it pays off. How can I hope for others to listen to my philosophies if I can't even put enough faith in myself that I am right? I've realized what I want and what my biggest flaws are. I have yet figure out if these flaws are correctable or even if they need to be corrected. I feel as though I've reached an experience peak and I have yet to figure out a way to push through it without seriously endangering important things in/of my life.
Talked with Rob tonight for a half hour. It's been quite some time since we last spoke to the point where I cannot remember when I did speak with him last. He seems to be doing well, new day same situations. I wish I would've been able to hang out with him in person and catch up before the summer was over. I feel like I've only told my stories in segments to different people and I wish I could sum it all up at once, for example to him. But I can't. All because I decide to put things off too long and then forget to follow through.
Everyone wants to live 'in the moment'. I have just learned to make my moment last as long as possible. That exact moment will almost never happen again, so why not take as much away from the experience as possible. The next step will be trying to mimic these moments to see if more can be taken from a single situation and where the peak/plateau lies.
My sleep schedule is already in school mode with the abuse of the semester having not yet taken place. I'm unsure as to whether that will be a benefit or if the homework load will put even more stress on this already burdened schedule.
I've got a lot more on my mind. I feel as though I don't want to type it without knowing what I would write ahead of time therefore the comments will be limited. I don't know what I need to do to convince myself to believe in myself. Hopefully this drastic change in lifestyle will be what I need to take my mind off of things. I will be able to get caught up in schoolwork, gator games, UF activites and the fall lifestyle without concerning myself with past problems. If I can put my faith in my philosophies maybe I will be rewarded for my actions. I suppose I should be scorned for not placing my faith elsewhere, but maybe I deserve to be scorned regardless of my choice.
I would like to add Adam Brody to my list of admirable famous people/actors. The first time I saw him I didn't like him but I was wrong, my apologies.
I'll end with what's on my mind:
"Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition"
I'm going to miss this state of mind/being. It's taken an entire summer of experimenting and putting my body through unethical and illicit circumstances to figure out exactly what brings about this state. I'm happy with my findings yet am not done with my research. I don't know how often or even when the next time will be that I will be able to continue this research.
This is the reason to be in Gainesville though. With classes beginning in just a few days, there are millions of people who would love the opportunity to be in this city doing half of what I'm doing. I need to keep that in mind when the demons of depression come knocking. Even though I know and preach of looking at the big picture, for some reason it is still so easy to concentrate on recent events and get caught up in all the thoughts that entails. Zoom out. If I appear to be happy to others and in a lucky situation and capable of having so much in front of me, why is it so hard for me to think about anything but this black hole in my mind?
I know how and why I have classified myself in certain ways throughout my life. This is where the weak turn to religion. Or maybe its where the wise turn to religion. I'm going to stick with my belief of the former and see if it pays off. How can I hope for others to listen to my philosophies if I can't even put enough faith in myself that I am right? I've realized what I want and what my biggest flaws are. I have yet figure out if these flaws are correctable or even if they need to be corrected. I feel as though I've reached an experience peak and I have yet to figure out a way to push through it without seriously endangering important things in/of my life.
Talked with Rob tonight for a half hour. It's been quite some time since we last spoke to the point where I cannot remember when I did speak with him last. He seems to be doing well, new day same situations. I wish I would've been able to hang out with him in person and catch up before the summer was over. I feel like I've only told my stories in segments to different people and I wish I could sum it all up at once, for example to him. But I can't. All because I decide to put things off too long and then forget to follow through.
Everyone wants to live 'in the moment'. I have just learned to make my moment last as long as possible. That exact moment will almost never happen again, so why not take as much away from the experience as possible. The next step will be trying to mimic these moments to see if more can be taken from a single situation and where the peak/plateau lies.
My sleep schedule is already in school mode with the abuse of the semester having not yet taken place. I'm unsure as to whether that will be a benefit or if the homework load will put even more stress on this already burdened schedule.
I've got a lot more on my mind. I feel as though I don't want to type it without knowing what I would write ahead of time therefore the comments will be limited. I don't know what I need to do to convince myself to believe in myself. Hopefully this drastic change in lifestyle will be what I need to take my mind off of things. I will be able to get caught up in schoolwork, gator games, UF activites and the fall lifestyle without concerning myself with past problems. If I can put my faith in my philosophies maybe I will be rewarded for my actions. I suppose I should be scorned for not placing my faith elsewhere, but maybe I deserve to be scorned regardless of my choice.
I would like to add Adam Brody to my list of admirable famous people/actors. The first time I saw him I didn't like him but I was wrong, my apologies.
I'll end with what's on my mind:
"Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition"
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
"It's the only way I have learned to express myself: through other people's descriptions of life."
Wow! So I was just unpacking a box in my room before work and I came across a two-page MS Word Document that I believe was titled "I Remember" buried underneath a comforter meant for far colder climate and thus would never need to be unpacked. The paper would have a carbon date set 15-16 months ago if my estimations are correct. It's strange to see the difference between my thoughts from last summer compared to this one. It does help prove to myself that I am a different person now than I was a year ago, however, different doesn't necessarily mean better. Last years' document was two pages consisting of a list of happy memories and important events concluded with a large paragraph begging for another shot. The new document was three pages written as a letter with conscious paragraph flow and distinct thoughts within them. It didn't beg for another shot but rather explained my thoughts clearly and even offered the opportunity for friendship if it was desired. This time I had the courage to give the letter while the old one was left to be forgotten about at the bottom of a box. Last time she came back to me, this time she hasn't even called. What irony that I was happier when I wasn't happy with who I was as a person, yet I am the saddest I have ever been now that I am finally happy with who I am as a person. Is there a better way to combine the two than the obvious?
Mel moves up 'for good' tomorrow night I believe and has orientation all day Friday. Now that she'll be here I need to stop procrastinating buying a coffee table, TV stand, kitchen table and chairs. All this brings up the reminder the I need to call about getting my TV back. I would prefer to get the TV back before her birthday on Saturday (the big twenty-one) but there is no guarantee she will even be in town this week(end).
Running low on funds and I know that I need to do quite a bit of spending over the course of the next month or so. In addition to furniture and a phone, I need to buy books/school supplies and I want to buy some new clothes and maybe some gadgets. I've been picking up shifts recently to afford these soon to come expenses but I'm afraid it wont be enough pretty soon.
On the brighter side of things, Amelia is probably on her way back into town tonight! I'm sure that will bring me over to HQ after work for a few hours. Maybe that will inspire another post tonight.
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Now playing: Motion City Soundtrack - L.G. Fuad
via FoxyTunes
Mel moves up 'for good' tomorrow night I believe and has orientation all day Friday. Now that she'll be here I need to stop procrastinating buying a coffee table, TV stand, kitchen table and chairs. All this brings up the reminder the I need to call about getting my TV back. I would prefer to get the TV back before her birthday on Saturday (the big twenty-one) but there is no guarantee she will even be in town this week(end).
Running low on funds and I know that I need to do quite a bit of spending over the course of the next month or so. In addition to furniture and a phone, I need to buy books/school supplies and I want to buy some new clothes and maybe some gadgets. I've been picking up shifts recently to afford these soon to come expenses but I'm afraid it wont be enough pretty soon.
On the brighter side of things, Amelia is probably on her way back into town tonight! I'm sure that will bring me over to HQ after work for a few hours. Maybe that will inspire another post tonight.
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Now playing: Motion City Soundtrack - L.G. Fuad
via FoxyTunes
Thursday, August 14, 2008
"Tonight you are all going to be part of a social experiment"
Insight into one of my social experiments:
Here we go courtesy of M358, LoS, and caf: my day begins anew.
- "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
- "I'm leading a normal life and right along side me there is this myth"
- "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro"
- "Too weird to live, too rare to die"
- Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is."- Albert Camus
- "Fear is a habit; so is self-pity, defeat, anxiety, despair, hopelessness and resignation. You can eliminate all of these negative habits with two simple resolves: 'I can' and 'I will'.”
- “There are four ways you can handle fear. You can go over it, under it, or around it. But if you are ever to put fear behind you, you must walk straight through it. Once you put fear behind you, leave it there.”
Here we go courtesy of M358, LoS, and caf: my day begins anew.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
"You're face to face with the man who sold the world."
So I haven't posted in a brief while because I've had a lot of things on my mind that I did not wish to share with the masses (however small that may be). I just don't understand how people are able to live with themselves after some of the choices they make and resulting actions that occur. Do they just not understand the consequences of their actions or do they just not care? Are they able to see the error in their ways and be helped or are they lost causes? And finally, who are we to be able to decide the answers to these questions?
There is a reason I have lost faith in humanity. It seems as though a genuinely good natured person does not exist. And if they do, they fall into the realm of some other form of mind control (such as religion) that dictates their actions for them. Apparently it is too much to ask for people to WANT to act kind towards one another for no reason other than wanting to act in such a manner. If it isn't for God, for Jesus or for whatever then it isn't worth doing.
The "Do unto others..." quote to this generation is paraphrased as you should do kind to others in fear that if you don't they will do something evil back. It seems too difficult for such 'modernized 21st century people' to think of doing kind unto others because it is the right thing to do as an appropriate justification of one's actions. Instead we seek the fear as giving us a reason to act in a certain manner. Because right or wrong, fear is unfortunately always a justifiable excuse for any action.
So. What fear drives you? What fear drives me? There has to be something slowly brewing within me that dreads a certain set of circumstances. Something to which fear is my only natural response. Is it Failure? Rejection? Losing? Arachnids? All of the above? Any of these answers would be easily understood to an onlooker because they are mostly fears that a majority of the populous shares every day. Going back to that "Do unto others..." quote, I don't want to think of my actions as scripted by my own personal demons and fears. But rather, I'd like to view them as 'fear-less' guidelines for which to follow or base actions upon. To do the 'right' thing without expecting reward, and hoping that such a small action might help change people's outlook on their fellow human beings. Social experiment number two is under way, meanwhile S.E.#1 is moving along nicely but conclusions are still to come in the future.
[What's in my head]:
"You don't even see. They're laughing at you. Laughing at you to me."
There is a reason I have lost faith in humanity. It seems as though a genuinely good natured person does not exist. And if they do, they fall into the realm of some other form of mind control (such as religion) that dictates their actions for them. Apparently it is too much to ask for people to WANT to act kind towards one another for no reason other than wanting to act in such a manner. If it isn't for God, for Jesus or for whatever then it isn't worth doing.
The "Do unto others..." quote to this generation is paraphrased as you should do kind to others in fear that if you don't they will do something evil back. It seems too difficult for such 'modernized 21st century people' to think of doing kind unto others because it is the right thing to do as an appropriate justification of one's actions. Instead we seek the fear as giving us a reason to act in a certain manner. Because right or wrong, fear is unfortunately always a justifiable excuse for any action.
So. What fear drives you? What fear drives me? There has to be something slowly brewing within me that dreads a certain set of circumstances. Something to which fear is my only natural response. Is it Failure? Rejection? Losing? Arachnids? All of the above? Any of these answers would be easily understood to an onlooker because they are mostly fears that a majority of the populous shares every day. Going back to that "Do unto others..." quote, I don't want to think of my actions as scripted by my own personal demons and fears. But rather, I'd like to view them as 'fear-less' guidelines for which to follow or base actions upon. To do the 'right' thing without expecting reward, and hoping that such a small action might help change people's outlook on their fellow human beings. Social experiment number two is under way, meanwhile S.E.#1 is moving along nicely but conclusions are still to come in the future.
[What's in my head]:
"You don't even see. They're laughing at you. Laughing at you to me."
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
"It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you"
Still without cable for the time being which translates into more boredom than I had originally thought. It's not that I watch that much TV normally but there's just nothing to do when strung out on painkillers while icing an injured leg. Ordinarily I would just surf the web a little to pass the time but stealing the neighbor's internet doesn't give a very good connection. In the meantime, I've hooked up my DVD player to give me something to watch but my movie selection is rather slim. So far I've watched Ocean's 11 and Batman Begins a few times each.
The real treat of the day for me was when I joined TR and his roommate John when they went to the movies to see Pineapple Express. I enjoyed the movie for what it was but thought it would be much better based upon its hype. James Franco played a great drug dealer and the storyline moved along quite nicely, however, the awkward situational comedy that has worked so well in Superbad and Knocked Up fell a little flat in my opinion. It was almost as if they were trying too hard rather than just letting it all flow together. Still one of the best groups of actors out there that participates in the same movies.
After the movie we decided to go to Mothers for a nice $2.66 burger and fries. By this point, the pain killers had completely taken over whatever part of my brain is responsible for caring about my surroundings and actions. I really enjoy hanging out with TR and John but I feel like every time so far that the three of us have hung out, at least one of us is too intoxicated to function properly. Guess this time was my turn, as I felt no desire to try to converse nor any ability to find conversation starters.
Upon returning from the movies, I walked home and proceeded to ice the leg some more and watch Batman Begins another time. The pain killers made the executive decision that I no longer needed to be awake so I entered into a perpetual state of delirium as I had to answer the phone at least a few times throughout the couple hours of mental exhaustion my body tried to pass off as sleep. It wasn't a restful slumber yet somehow I feel rejuvenated and clear headed enough to write and maybe do some laundry. Might head across the street later to chill and watch some movies (still no cable for them either) while abusing certain substances.
Andrew has been sleeping since around one o'clock pm after his graveyard shift last night and before his shift begins at midnight. Before he fell asleep he had mentioned that he doubts he will be going back to St. Pete since he doesn't have a ride down there. Not sure if that meant I was supposed to offer him a ride, but I didn't want to commit to offer something that I am not entirely sure of myself. He didn't seem too upset about the circumstance though as he looks at it as an opportunity to pick up extra shifts and make some extra money. He is working an awful lot though and I'm worried that he is unhealthily exhausting himself with all that work, although I trust that he knows his own limits. He goes to work and pretty much just sleeps away all the hours he spends here. I just hope he doesn't get burnt out from all that work and no play. I believe it is important to demonstrate a balance.
Just for the record, I will never again take my physical health for granted. Having an injury that requires constant attention and medication greatly limits my normal day-to-day activities and I cannot wait for this unfortunate circumstance to be over and dealt with. I want to be able to walk again without hobbling. I want to be able to put my room together the way I want it, to do house work and such, to work out again. I loathe having to schedule my day around needing to ice the leg and make decisions based upon knowing that I need to stay off said leg.
Of all the days/weeks for me to be sidelined with an injury, this timing has to be one of the worst possible. I want nothing more than to be able to take control of my life and make myself happy with new situations, however, I feel completely incapable of doing anything for myself which is beginning to cause mild depression and anxiety. I need this leg to heal in order for me to feel like a whole person again rather than one-hundred fifty pounds of lethargy. I just wish there was something more I could do to speed up the healing process.
What's in my head: "I lost many assumptions about the simple nature of right and wrong. And when I traveled, I learned the fear before a crime and the thrill of success. But I never became one of them."
The real treat of the day for me was when I joined TR and his roommate John when they went to the movies to see Pineapple Express. I enjoyed the movie for what it was but thought it would be much better based upon its hype. James Franco played a great drug dealer and the storyline moved along quite nicely, however, the awkward situational comedy that has worked so well in Superbad and Knocked Up fell a little flat in my opinion. It was almost as if they were trying too hard rather than just letting it all flow together. Still one of the best groups of actors out there that participates in the same movies.
After the movie we decided to go to Mothers for a nice $2.66 burger and fries. By this point, the pain killers had completely taken over whatever part of my brain is responsible for caring about my surroundings and actions. I really enjoy hanging out with TR and John but I feel like every time so far that the three of us have hung out, at least one of us is too intoxicated to function properly. Guess this time was my turn, as I felt no desire to try to converse nor any ability to find conversation starters.
Upon returning from the movies, I walked home and proceeded to ice the leg some more and watch Batman Begins another time. The pain killers made the executive decision that I no longer needed to be awake so I entered into a perpetual state of delirium as I had to answer the phone at least a few times throughout the couple hours of mental exhaustion my body tried to pass off as sleep. It wasn't a restful slumber yet somehow I feel rejuvenated and clear headed enough to write and maybe do some laundry. Might head across the street later to chill and watch some movies (still no cable for them either) while abusing certain substances.
Andrew has been sleeping since around one o'clock pm after his graveyard shift last night and before his shift begins at midnight. Before he fell asleep he had mentioned that he doubts he will be going back to St. Pete since he doesn't have a ride down there. Not sure if that meant I was supposed to offer him a ride, but I didn't want to commit to offer something that I am not entirely sure of myself. He didn't seem too upset about the circumstance though as he looks at it as an opportunity to pick up extra shifts and make some extra money. He is working an awful lot though and I'm worried that he is unhealthily exhausting himself with all that work, although I trust that he knows his own limits. He goes to work and pretty much just sleeps away all the hours he spends here. I just hope he doesn't get burnt out from all that work and no play. I believe it is important to demonstrate a balance.
Just for the record, I will never again take my physical health for granted. Having an injury that requires constant attention and medication greatly limits my normal day-to-day activities and I cannot wait for this unfortunate circumstance to be over and dealt with. I want to be able to walk again without hobbling. I want to be able to put my room together the way I want it, to do house work and such, to work out again. I loathe having to schedule my day around needing to ice the leg and make decisions based upon knowing that I need to stay off said leg.
Of all the days/weeks for me to be sidelined with an injury, this timing has to be one of the worst possible. I want nothing more than to be able to take control of my life and make myself happy with new situations, however, I feel completely incapable of doing anything for myself which is beginning to cause mild depression and anxiety. I need this leg to heal in order for me to feel like a whole person again rather than one-hundred fifty pounds of lethargy. I just wish there was something more I could do to speed up the healing process.
What's in my head: "I lost many assumptions about the simple nature of right and wrong. And when I traveled, I learned the fear before a crime and the thrill of success. But I never became one of them."
"It just sickens 'them' what I consider fun."
Poor cell reception at the new place: need to figure out a way to fix that problem. Also need to find an entertainment center, coffee table and dining room table. The whole letter situation has been taken care of with a minimal amount of destructive emotion, however in my guilty conscience for making her even come by, I forgot to even ask about the TV. Moving on to the next set of good news/bad news: I got a series of x-rays taken of my leg and ankle and none of them showed a fracture or break, however, there's nothing the doctor can really do except tell me to take anti-inflammatory meds and pain killers while icing it until it heals itself. He prescribed me some pain killers for the time being and said he wants to see me again in seven-to-ten days.
So I have the next FOUR days off work, which continues the good news/bad news motif. The good news being that I'm supposed to stay off my ankle and shouldn't be working any of the next four days and the bad being the lack of funds for said days. In addition, I will be able to get cable and internet set up as well as start getting the house in order. Brought some people to the new place tonight and they all said they think it looks nice. My neighbor whom I work with walked over with a buddy to chill and helped rearrange the couches in my front room. Looks a lot more like I have imagined it will look. TR said the cable company was coming out here on Thursday for his place so I need to call them tomorrow and see if they can set mine up while they're here. Just a side note: the more I hang out with TR, the more I start to like chillin with the dude. No homo.
I gotta end the blog here for now, doctor's orders. Just need to ice the leg for a little bit and maybe do some laundry or watch a movie or something. If I can't sleep there will be more to come before sunrise (if I were a betting man....).
So I have the next FOUR days off work, which continues the good news/bad news motif. The good news being that I'm supposed to stay off my ankle and shouldn't be working any of the next four days and the bad being the lack of funds for said days. In addition, I will be able to get cable and internet set up as well as start getting the house in order. Brought some people to the new place tonight and they all said they think it looks nice. My neighbor whom I work with walked over with a buddy to chill and helped rearrange the couches in my front room. Looks a lot more like I have imagined it will look. TR said the cable company was coming out here on Thursday for his place so I need to call them tomorrow and see if they can set mine up while they're here. Just a side note: the more I hang out with TR, the more I start to like chillin with the dude. No homo.
I gotta end the blog here for now, doctor's orders. Just need to ice the leg for a little bit and maybe do some laundry or watch a movie or something. If I can't sleep there will be more to come before sunrise (if I were a betting man....).
Sunday, August 3, 2008
"Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money"
So we began the night with how most nights at Wolfe's begin. As previously stated bars normally do me in so I tried to keep that to a minimum. This girl and then TR both came over and we all threw down for a dutch. Thankfully the throbbing pain in my right leg was able to be numbed out of my consciousness for a little while. At least I ended up meeting that girl Bridget. I believe she will prove to be a very nice connection with Molly (which would be amazing). We exchanged numbers and hopefully she'll be able to come through for me. She seems like a girl of her word (if that isn't an oxymoron) and was willing to practically give me some perks for free for my leg pain (instead I traded a green pill for some).
After chillin for a little while at Wolfe's, TR and I decided to head back to 'the block'. It turns out that we live across the street and one house over from one another so I head over there and we keep burning while watching Team America. Met his roommate and their buddy and we all discussed if we'd met our neighbors or not and how we need to throw like a huge block party.
Work today half retarded. The sis and JP go home tonight and I think it may be Wolfe's last night in town so we might do it big or go to beer toss or something. After work I've gotta get the rest of this shit moved out and clean the place up a little bit. Might get to go meet Wolfe's guy since he's moving to Sarasota on Monday and needs a replacement.
I really hope the next 36 hours ends up being as productive as I need it to be. Between meet & greets, meet & gives, moving, bank visits and possible doctor visits, I'm going to be busy as hell but that's the best chance of staying motivated towards getting it all done.
After chillin for a little while at Wolfe's, TR and I decided to head back to 'the block'. It turns out that we live across the street and one house over from one another so I head over there and we keep burning while watching Team America. Met his roommate and their buddy and we all discussed if we'd met our neighbors or not and how we need to throw like a huge block party.
Work today half retarded. The sis and JP go home tonight and I think it may be Wolfe's last night in town so we might do it big or go to beer toss or something. After work I've gotta get the rest of this shit moved out and clean the place up a little bit. Might get to go meet Wolfe's guy since he's moving to Sarasota on Monday and needs a replacement.
I really hope the next 36 hours ends up being as productive as I need it to be. Between meet & greets, meet & gives, moving, bank visits and possible doctor visits, I'm going to be busy as hell but that's the best chance of staying motivated towards getting it all done.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
"I'm not that desperate. Oh no! Oh god. I am!"
I always liked the Kurt Vonnegut quote: 'Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.' as a good way to try to live my life. How do you know if you are at the edge or not? Only if you go too far, cross that line across the edge and into the unknown. I interpret KV's 'edge' as that of mental stability, where crossing the line would imply insanity. I think I am able to cross that line on occasion on purpose. It's enthralling. Nobody ever seems to be happier than a crazy person that gets whatever it is that they want.
I'm afraid, yet at the same time completely enamored with the idea that I may be able to control my own (in)sanity. I need to find a way for it to be productive to be insane.
On a lighter note, I need to go to an orthopedic doctor Monday/Tuesday to get my leg looked at. My dad believes it could be a stress fracture and I believe it happened in 10th grade (hence when I stopped playing sports). Which brings me to the point: I think my tolerance for pain is too high. I've possibly been living, working, playing all sorts of sports for over 4 years with a partially broken right leg. If this ends up fixing my leg so that I don't have to take at least a day off in between sports days I'll be ecstatic! That will be my 'rebirth' second shot at living. I'll train and work myself back into shape enough to play for some club team or try out for a UF team if there is one.
By the way the new house is coming together slowly but surely. I'm almost all moved in but since I don't have internet set up there yet I'm still here using it in a dirty/mostly empty room. I can't wait for this new year of school and all the new challenges and changes from just a year ago. Moving with JP, sis and the rents made me realize how different I am. Such the social outcast to their idea of a normal life in my own house with my own family. So I wonder to myself why should I feel like such a leper around them? Is it because of the late nights and social circles? They are the only people I know that I am not able to stop feeling uncomfortable around. Need to work on that.
Favorite Famous People List Addition [self explanatory]:
Aaron Lewis
Dave Attell
Daniel Tosh
Heath Ledger (R.I.P.)
Currently in my head [see above]:
"You're in my web now. I've come to wrap you up tight 'till its time to bite down."
I'm afraid, yet at the same time completely enamored with the idea that I may be able to control my own (in)sanity. I need to find a way for it to be productive to be insane.
On a lighter note, I need to go to an orthopedic doctor Monday/Tuesday to get my leg looked at. My dad believes it could be a stress fracture and I believe it happened in 10th grade (hence when I stopped playing sports). Which brings me to the point: I think my tolerance for pain is too high. I've possibly been living, working, playing all sorts of sports for over 4 years with a partially broken right leg. If this ends up fixing my leg so that I don't have to take at least a day off in between sports days I'll be ecstatic! That will be my 'rebirth' second shot at living. I'll train and work myself back into shape enough to play for some club team or try out for a UF team if there is one.
By the way the new house is coming together slowly but surely. I'm almost all moved in but since I don't have internet set up there yet I'm still here using it in a dirty/mostly empty room. I can't wait for this new year of school and all the new challenges and changes from just a year ago. Moving with JP, sis and the rents made me realize how different I am. Such the social outcast to their idea of a normal life in my own house with my own family. So I wonder to myself why should I feel like such a leper around them? Is it because of the late nights and social circles? They are the only people I know that I am not able to stop feeling uncomfortable around. Need to work on that.
Favorite Famous People List Addition [self explanatory]:
Aaron Lewis
Dave Attell
Daniel Tosh
Heath Ledger (R.I.P.)
Currently in my head [see above]:
"You're in my web now. I've come to wrap you up tight 'till its time to bite down."
"Nothing exists but this"
Philosophy updates [this section will include updates on my current philosophies about mankind]:
I believe that the only way to truly find happiness is to be crazy.
I believe that everyone in the world is a little bit crazy in one way or another (even if they hide it from themselves and/or others).
I believe that everyone is addicted to something.
And that last philosophy update brings me to an interesting theory. I believe my dad is addicted to coke. Not cocaine, but coca-cola. After we finished moving the last of the furniture with the truck he asked me where the nearest gas station was so he could get a couple bottles of coke. Growing up, our pantry was always stocked with at least two 2-Liter Coca-Cola bottles in addition to one full bottle in the fridge and one bottle whose remains were anywhere between zero and seventy-five percent full. I believe that coke brand's 'chemical x' is some kind of derivative of cocaine though. It's amazing how powerfully a sip of that acidic syrupy liquid scorching the back of your tongue and throat will keep you awake and productive.
So I didn't finish the post after the shower, the 'bars really do me in' theory proved itself again. Didn't end up going to the beach with Murph or Cira so I did stay in town for Wolfe's going away party. Mel and JP came up around two-o'clock yesterday with a truck and trailer full of her belongings. I had been helping Britni move when they got in town so we drove over to the new place to give Mel the keys and help her move some stuff before the rain came. On the way, I got a phone call from the only person I shouldn't get a phone call from. I answered and we both pretended that it wasn't completely awkward to be on the phone with one another by performing a perfectly calm and casual conversation as if we had been speaking on a regular basis. I felt 'out of it' for the whole day after that call and having to deal with my sister during her bitch week wasn't helping things, especially since moving doesn't make my list of fun events. Even at Wolfe's party I was really reserved. I was physically there but my mind was racing everywhere. I did get a text saying that someone reminded them of me and that they missed me, which put at least a slight positive light on such a gloomy day.
I slept on an angled mattress last night with no box spring as per my scatter brained half-moved furniture situation. After almost no sleep the night before I had to be up early for the arrival of the rents. I packed up most of my smaller belongings and took some with me to meet them at the new house. The slight rain afforded us an excuse to get food before grabbing the large furniture items (which was great since I hadn't eaten in around 24 hours). After eating the gourmet Chinese food from the food court at the mall (haha) my dad and I went back to the old place to start loading up. Andrew was zonked out from work the night before in the 'garage' but I'm pretty sure all the noise we were making didn't wake him up. After a few trips back and forth we've finally moved everything that we would need a truck to move. I returned here to start getting the rest of my stuff together and clean up (slacking big time though), get in a better state of mind, write here and check some things online. Gotta go to dinner with the family at around 6:30 so I should be tying this up for now.
One good piece of news I found out from my dad while we were moving everything was that Against Me! is playing at Jannus the beginning of October. I figured if they were playing in Florida they'd have to be playing a show in G'ville, so I looked on Ticketmaster. Sure enough they play in St. Pete on a Friday night and Gainesvegas two nights later at Common Grounds. Might have to go to at least one of those shows for sure.
I believe that the only way to truly find happiness is to be crazy.
I believe that everyone in the world is a little bit crazy in one way or another (even if they hide it from themselves and/or others).
I believe that everyone is addicted to something.
And that last philosophy update brings me to an interesting theory. I believe my dad is addicted to coke. Not cocaine, but coca-cola. After we finished moving the last of the furniture with the truck he asked me where the nearest gas station was so he could get a couple bottles of coke. Growing up, our pantry was always stocked with at least two 2-Liter Coca-Cola bottles in addition to one full bottle in the fridge and one bottle whose remains were anywhere between zero and seventy-five percent full. I believe that coke brand's 'chemical x' is some kind of derivative of cocaine though. It's amazing how powerfully a sip of that acidic syrupy liquid scorching the back of your tongue and throat will keep you awake and productive.
So I didn't finish the post after the shower, the 'bars really do me in' theory proved itself again. Didn't end up going to the beach with Murph or Cira so I did stay in town for Wolfe's going away party. Mel and JP came up around two-o'clock yesterday with a truck and trailer full of her belongings. I had been helping Britni move when they got in town so we drove over to the new place to give Mel the keys and help her move some stuff before the rain came. On the way, I got a phone call from the only person I shouldn't get a phone call from. I answered and we both pretended that it wasn't completely awkward to be on the phone with one another by performing a perfectly calm and casual conversation as if we had been speaking on a regular basis. I felt 'out of it' for the whole day after that call and having to deal with my sister during her bitch week wasn't helping things, especially since moving doesn't make my list of fun events. Even at Wolfe's party I was really reserved. I was physically there but my mind was racing everywhere. I did get a text saying that someone reminded them of me and that they missed me, which put at least a slight positive light on such a gloomy day.
I slept on an angled mattress last night with no box spring as per my scatter brained half-moved furniture situation. After almost no sleep the night before I had to be up early for the arrival of the rents. I packed up most of my smaller belongings and took some with me to meet them at the new house. The slight rain afforded us an excuse to get food before grabbing the large furniture items (which was great since I hadn't eaten in around 24 hours). After eating the gourmet Chinese food from the food court at the mall (haha) my dad and I went back to the old place to start loading up. Andrew was zonked out from work the night before in the 'garage' but I'm pretty sure all the noise we were making didn't wake him up. After a few trips back and forth we've finally moved everything that we would need a truck to move. I returned here to start getting the rest of my stuff together and clean up (slacking big time though), get in a better state of mind, write here and check some things online. Gotta go to dinner with the family at around 6:30 so I should be tying this up for now.
One good piece of news I found out from my dad while we were moving everything was that Against Me! is playing at Jannus the beginning of October. I figured if they were playing in Florida they'd have to be playing a show in G'ville, so I looked on Ticketmaster. Sure enough they play in St. Pete on a Friday night and Gainesvegas two nights later at Common Grounds. Might have to go to at least one of those shows for sure.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
"Send us back to hell. We've had our fill of heaven"
Just got back from some volleyball with the typical crew. It was pretty fun I suppose but I think I further injured the right shin. With the combination of the right ankle injury, I should really try to keep pressure off my right leg for at least some time. I think I'm going to Ale after a shower but we shall see.... bars do me in more times than not.
I don't think I'm gonna end up going to the beach tomorrow as I should save my gas and stay in town for Wolfe's going away party. Maybe I could try to see batman tomorrow with Walt and Val instead. Oh, I need to be able to print this letter and give it before I lose my nerve and/or end up editing it too much. Maybe I'll call Murph and see if she'll let me print it at her place.
****Will finish this post after a shower****
I don't think I'm gonna end up going to the beach tomorrow as I should save my gas and stay in town for Wolfe's going away party. Maybe I could try to see batman tomorrow with Walt and Val instead. Oh, I need to be able to print this letter and give it before I lose my nerve and/or end up editing it too much. Maybe I'll call Murph and see if she'll let me print it at her place.
****Will finish this post after a shower****
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
"My ego's like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it"
For better or worse it is always at the very least an interesting day when you are able to see how truly powerful you can become. As much as I would love this power in-particular it may be too much for me to handle. I know this power has the ability to corrupt me and if I don't get it I refuse to fall into depression or desperation.
This is my chance to put all my 'teachings' into play for myself. Which side will win out and which side will be seen as inferior is either completely up to the fate of whatever may or may not be out there, or its up to my powers' limitations. More social experimentation I suppose so at the very least I gather more data for analysis.
Should be an interesting day. Oh and I've noticed I update this a lot more than I did with Tumblr and I know that nobody reads it, haha. Maybe I am crazy if I'm talking to myself.
This is my chance to put all my 'teachings' into play for myself. Which side will win out and which side will be seen as inferior is either completely up to the fate of whatever may or may not be out there, or its up to my powers' limitations. More social experimentation I suppose so at the very least I gather more data for analysis.
Should be an interesting day. Oh and I've noticed I update this a lot more than I did with Tumblr and I know that nobody reads it, haha. Maybe I am crazy if I'm talking to myself.
"As I rearrange these songs again, this mix could burn a hole in anyone"
"If you need me I'll be here, half unconscious to escape my fear.
I can't take this I come unglued, I might breakdown in front of you.
Necessary to medicate, I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake."
Musical mood in an old school way. Just got back from a few trips of helping Britni move some of her 'non-furniture' accessories. We visited Andrew at work and he gave us free bbq wings and a really cheesy chicken, onion and (unfortunately) mushroom pizza. I just picked the mushrooms off the couple pieces I ate and it was free :)
"My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high
My chest is so tight am I going to die
My stomach's in knots and the room starts to spin
As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in"
This music puts me in such an awake mood, I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight. It'll feel like a long day and I'll be exhausted, but I haven't worked myself to complete exhaustion in a long time. I'm actually looking forward to it :)
On to further music news: Britni is gonna burn me some new mellow stuff that we were listening to tonight. I think it will end up being really relaxing homework music. She also told me that this Saturday is her birthday so she's gonna head back to S.FLA and meet up with Amelia for her b-day. I know I'm supposed to move that day, but I kinda wanna make a fun birthday trip to see Amelia and go to the beach. Cira expressed interest in wanting to do the beach this Friday/Saturday, so maybe I'd even get company for the ride(s).
So I'm making a mix-tape now. Should be fun to 'give' this with the letter if I ever get the courage. It sounds like fun in my head so I'm actually taking some time on this even if it ends up being all for not.
I need to call Wolfe and then call CK to pick up that desk once the hour becomes acceptable. It always feels weird staying up through the night to when normal people begin their days. Just goes to show how much of a system is really in place and makes me appreciate the time I don't spend 'plugged in' to that system. Especially considering how connected I'm gonna have to be staying within any nuclear field that isn't medical.
But we only get one gift of life. To spend it living whatever way brings happiness without purposely harming others is the goal right? I wish that one day I could be good enough at something that others would enjoy watching the sight of me at 'work'. Ah, to still be young enough to dream :)
I can't take this I come unglued, I might breakdown in front of you.
Necessary to medicate, I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake."
Musical mood in an old school way. Just got back from a few trips of helping Britni move some of her 'non-furniture' accessories. We visited Andrew at work and he gave us free bbq wings and a really cheesy chicken, onion and (unfortunately) mushroom pizza. I just picked the mushrooms off the couple pieces I ate and it was free :)
"My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high
My chest is so tight am I going to die
My stomach's in knots and the room starts to spin
As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in"
This music puts me in such an awake mood, I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight. It'll feel like a long day and I'll be exhausted, but I haven't worked myself to complete exhaustion in a long time. I'm actually looking forward to it :)
On to further music news: Britni is gonna burn me some new mellow stuff that we were listening to tonight. I think it will end up being really relaxing homework music. She also told me that this Saturday is her birthday so she's gonna head back to S.FLA and meet up with Amelia for her b-day. I know I'm supposed to move that day, but I kinda wanna make a fun birthday trip to see Amelia and go to the beach. Cira expressed interest in wanting to do the beach this Friday/Saturday, so maybe I'd even get company for the ride(s).
So I'm making a mix-tape now. Should be fun to 'give' this with the letter if I ever get the courage. It sounds like fun in my head so I'm actually taking some time on this even if it ends up being all for not.
I need to call Wolfe and then call CK to pick up that desk once the hour becomes acceptable. It always feels weird staying up through the night to when normal people begin their days. Just goes to show how much of a system is really in place and makes me appreciate the time I don't spend 'plugged in' to that system. Especially considering how connected I'm gonna have to be staying within any nuclear field that isn't medical.
But we only get one gift of life. To spend it living whatever way brings happiness without purposely harming others is the goal right? I wish that one day I could be good enough at something that others would enjoy watching the sight of me at 'work'. Ah, to still be young enough to dream :)
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
"Is it worth it, can you even hear me?"
"look in my eyes
I'm jaded now whatever that means
by sharing these things
I rip my heart out
it's worth my time
whatever that means...so
share with me
cause I need it right now
let me see your insides
or write me off
cause I'd rather starve now
if you won't open up
won't open up"
****This whole thing was used as my writing space for the two-and-a-half page letter.****
I feel a lot better after writing it and hopefully I'll be able to give it without chicken-ing out.
Soccer was small today but I got a lot of work in with my left foot. We aren't playing tomorrow but Faith and Tracie said we might be doing volleyball Thursday which should be fun. Need to haul couches and other furniture tomorrow and I'll prolly end up helping C&C move their shit as well since I've got the day off. At least I'll get a good workout in :)
"You took it back
You ripped my heart out of my then you put it back
I'm pulling my hair
I let you just a million times
I love you even though it isn't fair
Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again
Run we go around again in circles"
I'm jaded now whatever that means
by sharing these things
I rip my heart out
it's worth my time
whatever that means...so
share with me
cause I need it right now
let me see your insides
or write me off
cause I'd rather starve now
if you won't open up
won't open up"
****This whole thing was used as my writing space for the two-and-a-half page letter.****
I feel a lot better after writing it and hopefully I'll be able to give it without chicken-ing out.
Soccer was small today but I got a lot of work in with my left foot. We aren't playing tomorrow but Faith and Tracie said we might be doing volleyball Thursday which should be fun. Need to haul couches and other furniture tomorrow and I'll prolly end up helping C&C move their shit as well since I've got the day off. At least I'll get a good workout in :)
"You took it back
You ripped my heart out of my then you put it back
I'm pulling my hair
I let you just a million times
I love you even though it isn't fair
Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again
Run we go around again in circles"
"Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be, now I'm ready to be free"
Soccer was a LOT of fun yesterday as we had around 15 people who were all having a good time out there. We should be doing it again today with more people, but we'll see what happens. My shins feel fine today, however, my right ankle got stepped on and isn't 100% so my cuts will have to be a little weak.
Shane came in town last night so we were all over at Dave's? or maybe Carissa's? Not sure. It wasn't what happened at either of those places that defines the night, it's what happened after I came home.
[Had to be informed the next day that we had gone up to Ale and I ordered a house salad. I never order food, let alone a salad, from that place so I was clearly way to fucked up. Glad Wolfe was driving.]
As much as I know the rules because I set them up initially, I'm the one that broke them. Now its as if I've opened the floodgates and can do nothing but wait for the opportunity to repair the damage. I don't know how much damage has been caused and I'm not sure how much repair is even possible but I'm too stubborn not to try.
In other news, Rupert left last night and I gave him $300 for his two couches (and possibly the entertainment center if Andrew really wants it). Good luck in Chi-town bro and if I'm ever up there you'll be the first to know. I also found this really nice computer desk on craigslist than I've already paid half of, I'm just waiting for help from Dave (or someone with a truck) so I can haul it over here.
I watched The Dark Knight again yesterday before soccer and still see no reason why it shouldn't win every Oscar it can possibly be nominated for. I STILL need to see it in theaters but who knows when that will happen. I miss going to the movies on a regular basis. More than I ever thought I would. I used to view it as $25 and about 3 hours of my time rather than cherishing the entertainment and memories that can never be erased or forgotten.
I need to help Britni move some of her stuff today, get that desk, check my schedule, go down to GRU and get things set up for the new house and call Marty about that washer/dryer combo that's already in the house.
As for my personal social experiment, the beta testing is underway but the results don't have an unbiased control. Since I'm not sure if I'll be able to get such a standardized unit for comparison, I'll just have to wait for more results before I'll be able to draw any conclusions or alter the experiment's parameters.
On a positive note, I'm no longer afraid of pain.
Shane came in town last night so we were all over at Dave's? or maybe Carissa's? Not sure. It wasn't what happened at either of those places that defines the night, it's what happened after I came home.
[Had to be informed the next day that we had gone up to Ale and I ordered a house salad. I never order food, let alone a salad, from that place so I was clearly way to fucked up. Glad Wolfe was driving.]
As much as I know the rules because I set them up initially, I'm the one that broke them. Now its as if I've opened the floodgates and can do nothing but wait for the opportunity to repair the damage. I don't know how much damage has been caused and I'm not sure how much repair is even possible but I'm too stubborn not to try.
In other news, Rupert left last night and I gave him $300 for his two couches (and possibly the entertainment center if Andrew really wants it). Good luck in Chi-town bro and if I'm ever up there you'll be the first to know. I also found this really nice computer desk on craigslist than I've already paid half of, I'm just waiting for help from Dave (or someone with a truck) so I can haul it over here.
I watched The Dark Knight again yesterday before soccer and still see no reason why it shouldn't win every Oscar it can possibly be nominated for. I STILL need to see it in theaters but who knows when that will happen. I miss going to the movies on a regular basis. More than I ever thought I would. I used to view it as $25 and about 3 hours of my time rather than cherishing the entertainment and memories that can never be erased or forgotten.
I need to help Britni move some of her stuff today, get that desk, check my schedule, go down to GRU and get things set up for the new house and call Marty about that washer/dryer combo that's already in the house.
As for my personal social experiment, the beta testing is underway but the results don't have an unbiased control. Since I'm not sure if I'll be able to get such a standardized unit for comparison, I'll just have to wait for more results before I'll be able to draw any conclusions or alter the experiment's parameters.
On a positive note, I'm no longer afraid of pain.
Monday, July 28, 2008
The Hawthorne Effect
So after working about 25.5 hours over the last two days I'm EXHAUSTED, but I'm also a few hundred dollars wealthier so I'll keep the complaints to a minimum. My feet are in an indescribable amount of pain but I'm slowly starting to regain feeling in them now that the shoes are off. I need to seriously consider investing in some nice insoles so I can be 'gellin' too, rather than feeling like I just climbed some rugged terrain.
As I said though, I can't complain too much. I made some mad money AND have at least the next 3 days off since I'm already at 38 hours for the week. Should be playin' some soccer for the next three evenings with the chili's folk and friends, which is always exciting (or entertaining for me at the very least). Tuesday especially should be a pretty good turnout as long as most of the people show up.
Keeping myself busy and with things to do and look forward to really helps cure my self-inflicted disease. Which right now has crept behind my eyes and into the back of my head as if it is trying to eat myself from the inside out. I need something new, something bold, something incredibly different and out of the ordinary to take me away from this personal hell I've created here. I believe that I've done quite a good job of filling my time with work and social activities that have allowed me to support myself (quite comfortably) and meet lots of great friends. Yet still, when the time comes that I'm not working, drowning my sorrows, playing sports or partying it up.... I feel empty. Like a callous void takes over and has full control of my brain and soul (if such a thing exists) causing my mind to wander uncontrollably and miss things I'd long since forgotten.
I just need something, maybe a hobby or even homework. Something that I can do for a purpose. To better myself or someone around me in some way. Something that I can look forward to letting eat up all my time. That can exhaust this extra 'energy' that I can't seem to get rid of. I envy those people who can come home from a long/hard day's work and want nothing more than a home cooked meal and sleep. I come home from a 12+ hour day (of HARD work, trust me) after not sleeping for more than 5 hours tops the night before, yet still my mind races and begs for something to do.
Is substance abuse really the only way to keep my mind from longing for something more? Is there some other way to keep myself happy without wanting to do what I know is self-destructive? I've chosen a path that I believed would bring peace and harmony to my chaotic world, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe all along I know full well that I'm making the wrong choice(s) and just find (not so) clever ways of justifying said choice(s). But why? Why do I feel the need to trick myself into believing a hollow justification? I always try to express that I don't REALLY care what others think of me, because truth be told: I don't. I do believe, however, that I've started to figure out the 'method to the madness' of my own mind. The 'why', the 'reason' for doing whatever it is I do at whatever point in which it occurs. Further investigation is of course necessary and will commence from this point on, however, I do fear a systematic bias.
As I said though, I can't complain too much. I made some mad money AND have at least the next 3 days off since I'm already at 38 hours for the week. Should be playin' some soccer for the next three evenings with the chili's folk and friends, which is always exciting (or entertaining for me at the very least). Tuesday especially should be a pretty good turnout as long as most of the people show up.
Keeping myself busy and with things to do and look forward to really helps cure my self-inflicted disease. Which right now has crept behind my eyes and into the back of my head as if it is trying to eat myself from the inside out. I need something new, something bold, something incredibly different and out of the ordinary to take me away from this personal hell I've created here. I believe that I've done quite a good job of filling my time with work and social activities that have allowed me to support myself (quite comfortably) and meet lots of great friends. Yet still, when the time comes that I'm not working, drowning my sorrows, playing sports or partying it up.... I feel empty. Like a callous void takes over and has full control of my brain and soul (if such a thing exists) causing my mind to wander uncontrollably and miss things I'd long since forgotten.
I just need something, maybe a hobby or even homework. Something that I can do for a purpose. To better myself or someone around me in some way. Something that I can look forward to letting eat up all my time. That can exhaust this extra 'energy' that I can't seem to get rid of. I envy those people who can come home from a long/hard day's work and want nothing more than a home cooked meal and sleep. I come home from a 12+ hour day (of HARD work, trust me) after not sleeping for more than 5 hours tops the night before, yet still my mind races and begs for something to do.
Is substance abuse really the only way to keep my mind from longing for something more? Is there some other way to keep myself happy without wanting to do what I know is self-destructive? I've chosen a path that I believed would bring peace and harmony to my chaotic world, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe all along I know full well that I'm making the wrong choice(s) and just find (not so) clever ways of justifying said choice(s). But why? Why do I feel the need to trick myself into believing a hollow justification? I always try to express that I don't REALLY care what others think of me, because truth be told: I don't. I do believe, however, that I've started to figure out the 'method to the madness' of my own mind. The 'why', the 'reason' for doing whatever it is I do at whatever point in which it occurs. Further investigation is of course necessary and will commence from this point on, however, I do fear a systematic bias.
Friday, July 25, 2008
"Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plans are horrifying"
I just really want to talk to you or to someone now. So much that I made this blog since my old one seems not to work anymore. My way of talking to someone, even if its really no one. It's 3am and even if I did call you'd most likely be sleeping. I should be doing the same but I'm not sure if I'll be able to. Guess I'll try to watch the Dark Knight again-- Heath Ledger's 'Joker' may be one of the BEST villain roles of all time (just wanted to make my opinion known).
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