"I've been shot in the back by my fears"

AM I A GOOD PERSON DOING 'BAD' THINGS?

OR A BAD PERSON DOING 'GOOD' THINGS?

Leave it to the clever 'Showtime-employed' writers to come up with a morally righteous serial killer. It was the trigger to pull me back into my creative mindset from which I prefer to view the world. The way he analyzes his surroundings, as if he is an alien gathering as much observable data as possible by acknowledging the slightest quirks others unknowingly exhibit. All the while his appearance to the outside world is that of complete normalcy with no quirks to give away any of his secrets. Secrets that must be kept hidden away regardless of how justified he believes his actions to be.

Last Tuesday I purchased season two of Dexter (Showtime series about the aforementioned killer) in time to watch all twelve episodes before the third season's premiere episode this past Sunday night. It has been a major contributor in the reawakening of my creative mind. A lot has happened recently that I have been directly involved with and the dust hadn't settled enough to see the whole situation clearly until very recently. This is really my first chance to come back to this blissfully detached state of thought.

It's strange how my parents finding out about the bud went from such a big deal in my mind while I had to hide it from them, to now being the least of my concerns since they found out and I was required to cease such activities immediately. Add another tally to proving the "nothing to fear but fear itself" saying correct. The fact that we've moved past that shocking bit of information so quickly and can converse normally is such a huge weight lifted from my chest. The cat is out of the bag and my father will make sure that I don't stray down the wrong path again. I realized how careless I have been. Thinking I couldn't get caught when such a small thing, like a drunk with a loud mouth and nothing to lose, could seemingly bring my world caving in around me.

I've always felt that my actions were keeping things from falling apart around me and therefore I had the responsibility of 'holding up the roof'. When my 'control' over certain aspects of my life was taken from me, I felt the impending doom of the structure around me. Surprisingly enough, the partially caving roof over my life not only didn't fall through, it has been rebuilt sturdier and better than before. Turns out I wasn't the only one making sure the roof didn't collapse around me.

The moments were so surreal and forced a feeling like that of getting a second shot at life. I'm alive and my life has impact on those around me. My mannerisms are on constant display and people enjoy me for who I am rather than whomever I feel the need to pretend to be. I am accepted by those around me for who I am without needing to do or be anything extra. The desire to act in different ways depending on the situation no longer calls to me the way it used to. Instead, my anxiety is gone and I see things more clearly, hear music more intensely and enjoy the finer things in life. Rather than consistently considering others opinions of enjoyment as fact, I'm taking pleasure in whatever fate brings my way in any manner because I'm happy with myself for the first time in quite a while.

"Yeah but you know me.
I will do
What I gotta do
In spite of you.
Then you will be,
Patiently,
Dreaming of me
In spite of you
In misery."

Artist of choice for the evening has been Head Automatica in keeping with the motif of not caring what others think. Such an amazing combination of the simple sophistication in the lyrics backed by the detached hatred within the vocal inflections. The flow of the instruments with the vocals allows the lyrics to convey messages in the most direct manner possible. The final product paints a very detailed picture in the listener's mind and allows the listener to 'feel' the music flowing through them if they can relate to the lyrics, some of which fill me with life. It's personal music instead of forced noise for the purpose of impressing others.

"You heighten yourself, to lower the blame and
You martyr yourself to heighten the fame and
You lower yourself to draw the compassion.
Here's to YOU!!
You want a medal for the things you've done
But if you really did a damn thing we would have gave you one.
You want a mountain with your face engraved
So everyone will know the face when approached by the runaway.
Hip hip hooray, you're our saving grace.
Here's to you, and your poker face."

"I'm talking shameless
In the thick of it, You can't get rid of it
Desperation is calling you!
Desperation is calling you!!
"You don't got a clue.
They're laughing at you,
Laughing yes its true.
You don't even see.
They're laughing at you,
Laughing at you to me.


Philosophy: I believe that in order to be truly happy, money has to become of no consideration in direct regards to happiness. It has to reach a point of becoming too easy to make without letting it corrupt the necessary ability to enjoy living beneath your means. When a person can be truly happy living as though they are poor when the money is technically there for any purchase that could be desired, they have figured out a way to have continuing happiness. Too many people's lives revolve around little green pieces of paper as though it had a direct correlation to their happiness because they fear being without it.

"So that's how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone."

[Disclaimer: This entire post has the potential to be somewhat incorrect. This is my venting medium.]

If you believe there to be a problem between yourself and another person, what is the appropriate action to take?

If someone has a problem with me, I really wish they would confront me about it. I do not believe that anything I have said or done warrants being viewed in any sort of bad light and I have gone out of my way to try not to make anyone have a problem with me. I have kept others' best interests ahead of my own to the point of complete isolation. In trying to do what was I thought was best, I believe I was thrown under the bus; the kindness of my reformed state taken advantage of yet again.

These past few months, or even expanded to this whole calendar year, have been more mentally, physically and emotionally taxing than any other period in my life. Currently only one of these is being treated by a physician, while the other two could each end up having their own specialists by year's end. I've gone through many strange, interesting and even horrible experiences that are sometimes best dealt with by simply being able to talk them out with someone who understands. By having the 'truth' skewed (to my own degradation) I was limited in dealing with my issues because I was unable to speak the truth about them. This may have assisted the already underway process of driving me to the brink of insanity.

To get to my point: I may be wrongfully accused in a certain situation.
I understand that I may be completely mistaken on the idea that the accusation was wrong and/or that I am even being accused of anything. It is my guess, however, that I am not mistaken on either count and rather that I am upset at being accused of anything involving misconduct of my character in any way. In wrongfully taking blame to allow another to save face, I have become the bad guy to everyone's eyes. While trying to be a hero to someone I cared about, I became the enemy to others.

Was it worth it?
I was one-hundred percent sure that it was not only worth it, but the right thing to do at the time. I would be judged only by those people too closed minded to want the truth. The ones who gladly accept whatever they are told from a "credible" source without the desire to seek out the truth for themselves. Lost souls searching for meaning they can understand, I pity them.

• It was the right thing to do to allow degradation to my own character in order to prevent the same fate from happening to someone with more to lose.

• It was the right thing to do to spare people deserving of my pity/help any pain I am able to prevent, by allowing myself to be a scapegoat.

Aiding those people by allowing them to think poorly of me has taken its toll, however, as I am forced to live a lie. My outlets for being able to discuss anything are limited due to an array mutual friends lacking the knack to keep secrets. My immediate desire to deal with the situation was deflected continually, with short instances of contact (with an air of what I perceived to be gratitude) sprinkled intermittently.Demonstrations that doing the right thing is appreciated serve as a reminder that helping those less fortunate is indeed worth it.

Therefore, until quite recently, it was worth it.
Now however, I believe I am being degraded in a rather "pot calling the kettle black" sort of manner. I have been forced into an outcast social role by preventing ridicule to another (while taking it myself), merely to be publicly ridiculed by that same person for acting in said social role.
"If only you knew half as much as you pretend to", or if you at least try to find out the truth before making accusations, I would have still thought it worthwhile to help all those less fortunate.

Actions such as these chill my spine, and my heart grows slightly colder. I believe ever more firmly that a growing number of the population does not deserve the common courtesy or respect of everyday interaction, let alone the aid of those willing and able to give a little extra.

Some people hardly deserve pity, why should they deserve help?
Despite one's flaws, can you blame the actions of ignorance?

The masses of this world are so plugged into their mob mentality that they are unable to view the real world outside of the "world" created for them by their peers. If only to try to better mankind as a whole, such situations should not let be forgotten.



What's in my head:
"We're catching bullets with our heads and hearts and all the darkest parts of us, it's strange to find such light in such endless night."

"Everybody knows its all about the things that get stuck inside of your head"

UF vs. UM game today, should provide more than enough entertainment for the next twenty-four hours. Hopefully I'll get to play some Boccie ball and/or ping pong while tailgating today. Nick gave me three books on the 'art of table tennis' last night, lol. Made me miss playing it every now and again so I've been considering buying one. With even more motivation knowing that I would have people who would like to play as well.

In other news, I got my TV back the other day. Now all I need is a kitchen table (possibly just a ping pong table with some plywood on top) and a coffee table (which I think will be custom built by a friend of mine) and the house will finally look like we didn't JUST move in. While I was getting the tele' back I spent a brief moment shooting the shit at the apartment despite my stomach's best efforts to turn itself inside out and the jolt of nerves running down my spine. I found out that we believe we are tailgating in the same part of town today as well as sitting merely ten (out of 90) rows away from each other in the same section at the game. My life's dramatic irony never ceases to amaze me. It is moments like this that make me believe it could be worth the documentation, a 'movie moment' as my pseudo cousin would say. Hopefully it will at least be an interesting and/or enjoyable day.

Only working one day this week yet still making enough to survive comfortably. I know that I wanted to cut back on my work hours during school but I think I need to talk to Nick about boosting me up to at least three shifts a week. Too much free time makes me procrastinate more than when I am on a tight deadline to finish. And the busier I stay the less of a bum I feel like and thus less depression sets in on a nightly basis. Ideally I would like to work myself to the point of physical and mental exhaustion all day while leaving myself a couple hours at the end of it to relax in my self medicated state of being. If everything sets up and works out well enough, that schedule could be easier to maintain than it seems. Schoolwork will allow me enough to do to reach mental exhaustion and if I can start getting into a workout routine and/or playing IMs, the physical exhaustion part could follow suit.

"It's too hard to focus through all this doubt"

So it was Labor Day yesterday. No class for students and no work for certain occupations. I am unfortunately not in one of those occupations. I originally had the day off but picked up a morning expo shift not realizing it was going to be way busier than a normal Monday morning. Seventy two hundred dollars in sales and eighty bucks in cash later I arrive home exhausted from work yet eagerly awaiting soccer in an hour. So eagerly in fact that I believe I started to give myself an anxiety attack and really felt nauseous. That feeling lingered all the way throughout soccer where I felt moments away from vomiting on the pitch numerous times.

My unmotivated state of being has brought me to the conclusion that I am living too many lives. I have to play the big brother, the drinker, the smoker, the athlete, the good son, the 'bad' son, the nuke student, and the food service employee. I feel as though nobody knows all of them so therefore its as if I am lying to each person by not revealing my true self. Even if I were trying to be honest and upfront about describing myself, I wouldn't know where to begin. I have this stinging fear of being unable to open up to another human being and I think that I've purposefully avoided circumstances in which such a case may have presented itself.