"Send us back to hell. We've had our fill of heaven"

Just got back from some volleyball with the typical crew. It was pretty fun I suppose but I think I further injured the right shin. With the combination of the right ankle injury, I should really try to keep pressure off my right leg for at least some time. I think I'm going to Ale after a shower but we shall see.... bars do me in more times than not.

I don't think I'm gonna end up going to the beach tomorrow as I should save my gas and stay in town for Wolfe's going away party. Maybe I could try to see batman tomorrow with Walt and Val instead. Oh, I need to be able to print this letter and give it before I lose my nerve and/or end up editing it too much. Maybe I'll call Murph and see if she'll let me print it at her place.

****Will finish this post after a shower****

"My ego's like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it"

For better or worse it is always at the very least an interesting day when you are able to see how truly powerful you can become. As much as I would love this power in-particular it may be too much for me to handle. I know this power has the ability to corrupt me and if I don't get it I refuse to fall into depression or desperation.

This is my chance to put all my 'teachings' into play for myself. Which side will win out and which side will be seen as inferior is either completely up to the fate of whatever may or may not be out there, or its up to my powers' limitations. More social experimentation I suppose so at the very least I gather more data for analysis.

Should be an interesting day. Oh and I've noticed I update this a lot more than I did with Tumblr and I know that nobody reads it, haha. Maybe I am crazy if I'm talking to myself.

"As I rearrange these songs again, this mix could burn a hole in anyone"

"If you need me I'll be here, half unconscious to escape my fear.
I can't take this I come unglued, I might breakdown in front of you.
Necessary to medicate, I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake."

Musical mood in an old school way. Just got back from a few trips of helping Britni move some of her 'non-furniture' accessories. We visited Andrew at work and he gave us free bbq wings and a really cheesy chicken, onion and (unfortunately) mushroom pizza. I just picked the mushrooms off the couple pieces I ate and it was free :)

"My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high
My chest is so tight am I going to die
My stomach's in knots and the room starts to spin
As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in"

This music puts me in such an awake mood, I don't think I'm gonna sleep tonight. It'll feel like a long day and I'll be exhausted, but I haven't worked myself to complete exhaustion in a long time. I'm actually looking forward to it :)
On to further music news: Britni is gonna burn me some new mellow stuff that we were listening to tonight. I think it will end up being really relaxing homework music. She also told me that this Saturday is her birthday so she's gonna head back to S.FLA and meet up with Amelia for her b-day. I know I'm supposed to move that day, but I kinda wanna make a fun birthday trip to see Amelia and go to the beach. Cira expressed interest in wanting to do the beach this Friday/Saturday, so maybe I'd even get company for the ride(s).

So I'm making a mix-tape now. Should be fun to 'give' this with the letter if I ever get the courage. It sounds like fun in my head so I'm actually taking some time on this even if it ends up being all for not.

I need to call Wolfe and then call CK to pick up that desk once the hour becomes acceptable. It always feels weird staying up through the night to when normal people begin their days. Just goes to show how much of a system is really in place and makes me appreciate the time I don't spend 'plugged in' to that system. Especially considering how connected I'm gonna have to be staying within any nuclear field that isn't medical.

But we only get one gift of life. To spend it living whatever way brings happiness without purposely harming others is the goal right? I wish that one day I could be good enough at something that others would enjoy watching the sight of me at 'work'. Ah, to still be young enough to dream :)

"Is it worth it, can you even hear me?"

"look in my eyes
I'm jaded now whatever that means
by sharing these things
I rip my heart out
it's worth my time
whatever that means...so

share with me
cause I need it right now
let me see your insides
or write me off
cause I'd rather starve now
if you won't open up
won't open up"

****This whole thing was used as my writing space for the two-and-a-half page letter.****

I feel a lot better after writing it and hopefully I'll be able to give it without chicken-ing out.

Soccer was small today but I got a lot of work in with my left foot. We aren't playing tomorrow but Faith and Tracie said we might be doing volleyball Thursday which should be fun. Need to haul couches and other furniture tomorrow and I'll prolly end up helping C&C move their shit as well since I've got the day off. At least I'll get a good workout in :)


"You took it back
You ripped my heart out of my then you put it back
I'm pulling my hair
I let you just a million times
I love you even though it isn't fair

Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again
Run we go around again in circles"

"Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be, now I'm ready to be free"

Soccer was a LOT of fun yesterday as we had around 15 people who were all having a good time out there. We should be doing it again today with more people, but we'll see what happens. My shins feel fine today, however, my right ankle got stepped on and isn't 100% so my cuts will have to be a little weak.

Shane came in town last night so we were all over at Dave's? or maybe Carissa's? Not sure. It wasn't what happened at either of those places that defines the night, it's what happened after I came home.

[Had to be informed the next day that we had gone up to Ale and I ordered a house salad. I never order food, let alone a salad, from that place so I was clearly way to fucked up. Glad Wolfe was driving.]

As much as I know the rules because I set them up initially, I'm the one that broke them. Now its as if I've opened the floodgates and can do nothing but wait for the opportunity to repair the damage. I don't know how much damage has been caused and I'm not sure how much repair is even possible but I'm too stubborn not to try.

In other news, Rupert left last night and I gave him $300 for his two couches (and possibly the entertainment center if Andrew really wants it). Good luck in Chi-town bro and if I'm ever up there you'll be the first to know. I also found this really nice computer desk on craigslist than I've already paid half of, I'm just waiting for help from Dave (or someone with a truck) so I can haul it over here.

I watched The Dark Knight again yesterday before soccer and still see no reason why it shouldn't win every Oscar it can possibly be nominated for. I STILL need to see it in theaters but who knows when that will happen. I miss going to the movies on a regular basis. More than I ever thought I would. I used to view it as $25 and about 3 hours of my time rather than cherishing the entertainment and memories that can never be erased or forgotten.

I need to help Britni move some of her stuff today, get that desk, check my schedule, go down to GRU and get things set up for the new house and call Marty about that washer/dryer combo that's already in the house.

As for my personal social experiment, the beta testing is underway but the results don't have an unbiased control. Since I'm not sure if I'll be able to get such a standardized unit for comparison, I'll just have to wait for more results before I'll be able to draw any conclusions or alter the experiment's parameters.
On a positive note, I'm no longer afraid of pain.

The Hawthorne Effect

So after working about 25.5 hours over the last two days I'm EXHAUSTED, but I'm also a few hundred dollars wealthier so I'll keep the complaints to a minimum. My feet are in an indescribable amount of pain but I'm slowly starting to regain feeling in them now that the shoes are off. I need to seriously consider investing in some nice insoles so I can be 'gellin' too, rather than feeling like I just climbed some rugged terrain.

As I said though, I can't complain too much. I made some mad money AND have at least the next 3 days off since I'm already at 38 hours for the week. Should be playin' some soccer for the next three evenings with the chili's folk and friends, which is always exciting (or entertaining for me at the very least). Tuesday especially should be a pretty good turnout as long as most of the people show up.

Keeping myself busy and with things to do and look forward to really helps cure my self-inflicted disease. Which right now has crept behind my eyes and into the back of my head as if it is trying to eat myself from the inside out. I need something new, something bold, something incredibly different and out of the ordinary to take me away from this personal hell I've created here. I believe that I've done quite a good job of filling my time with work and social activities that have allowed me to support myself (quite comfortably) and meet lots of great friends. Yet still, when the time comes that I'm not working, drowning my sorrows, playing sports or partying it up.... I feel empty. Like a callous void takes over and has full control of my brain and soul (if such a thing exists) causing my mind to wander uncontrollably and miss things I'd long since forgotten.

I just need something, maybe a hobby or even homework. Something that I can do for a purpose. To better myself or someone around me in some way. Something that I can look forward to letting eat up all my time. That can exhaust this extra 'energy' that I can't seem to get rid of. I envy those people who can come home from a long/hard day's work and want nothing more than a home cooked meal and sleep. I come home from a 12+ hour day (of HARD work, trust me) after not sleeping for more than 5 hours tops the night before, yet still my mind races and begs for something to do.

Is substance abuse really the only way to keep my mind from longing for something more? Is there some other way to keep myself happy without wanting to do what I know is self-destructive? I've chosen a path that I believed would bring peace and harmony to my chaotic world, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe all along I know full well that I'm making the wrong choice(s) and just find (not so) clever ways of justifying said choice(s). But why? Why do I feel the need to trick myself into believing a hollow justification? I always try to express that I don't REALLY care what others think of me, because truth be told: I don't. I do believe, however, that I've started to figure out the 'method to the madness' of my own mind. The 'why', the 'reason' for doing whatever it is I do at whatever point in which it occurs. Further investigation is of course necessary and will commence from this point on, however, I do fear a systematic bias.

"Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plans are horrifying"

I just really want to talk to you or to someone now. So much that I made this blog since my old one seems not to work anymore. My way of talking to someone, even if its really no one. It's 3am and even if I did call you'd most likely be sleeping. I should be doing the same but I'm not sure if I'll be able to. Guess I'll try to watch the Dark Knight again-- Heath Ledger's 'Joker' may be one of the BEST villain roles of all time (just wanted to make my opinion known).