"Are we demented or am I disturbed? The space that's in between insane and insecure."

As a species, I believe mankind has evolved to accommodate the more intelligent and/or capable as 'Natural Selection' would have it. Therefore if mankind is consistently evolving for more intelligence, each generation would be the smartest generation and each year the smartest year. But to what extent? It would be impossible to continue like that forever. At some point an apex needs to be reached. Henceforth signaling the beginning of the decline of intelligence for our species, most prominently in the Caucasian race . When did we reach it? Have we reached it? When will we reach it?

Is it crazy to think that we may be in, on, or around the peak of such an evolutionary inevitability? There are plenty of reasons for our species to become less intelligent involving our generation. Technology has allowed for people to become more lazy as many automated events take part in a person's day. Almost every person has a cellular device and/or access to the internet where they more than likely own at least a few portions of terrain (webpages).

"There's an emptiness that echoes through it all"

I picked up a shift tonight because someone wanted to give it up. Very glad I did so as my night would have been far less entertaining as well as less profitable. I closed lounge, and even on a dead 'hurricane' night I still pulled in well over a bill. Also as it is that bi-monthly occurrence where Brinker gives me money and the government takes its taxes, I received an extra two bills in the bank account. And to top off those great chili's payments, my second job had its highest grossing single day so far bringing in at least a bill. Saturday August 23rd, what irony. Happy Birthday........

I have to live with this for now. It will be worth the wait and it will prove itself to be the correct decision made in this circumstance. How quickly the big picture is easily tossed aside for the more detailed and present situations.

Overall: Great night at work. Fun times at Ale. $$$$. Strawberry wrap and six heads. Five star folk and a TR visit. Chill sesh' out back of 620 where I got to see the newly broken TV.

Passed out.

"I visit hell on a daily basis, and I see the sadness in all your faces"

So Fay has been teasing us for the last few days. All I've been hearing is how 'tomorrow is supposed to be really bad weather' for the last few days. Today began that bad weather but according to the satellite we are just at the beginning. I hope that nothing goes awry because of the storm but I'm almost glad there is a storm here. I find peace with the storm present. It's as if I feel the pressure change within myself or maybe it just makes everyone else's lives seem as chaotic and tumultuous as mine is on a daily basis. This is not how I had planned to spend my last few days before school started up again for the Fall '08 semester. Then again, how had I planned to spend that time? I hadn't. I have the next couple days off of work so I should really get everything together that I need for school and find a fourth class to fill my schedule up.

I'm going to miss this state of mind/being. It's taken an entire summer of experimenting and putting my body through unethical and illicit circumstances to figure out exactly what brings about this state. I'm happy with my findings yet am not done with my research. I don't know how often or even when the next time will be that I will be able to continue this research.

This is the reason to be in Gainesville though. With classes beginning in just a few days, there are millions of people who would love the opportunity to be in this city doing half of what I'm doing. I need to keep that in mind when the demons of depression come knocking. Even though I know and preach of looking at the big picture, for some reason it is still so easy to concentrate on recent events and get caught up in all the thoughts that entails. Zoom out. If I appear to be happy to others and in a lucky situation and capable of having so much in front of me, why is it so hard for me to think about anything but this black hole in my mind?

I know how and why I have classified myself in certain ways throughout my life. This is where the weak turn to religion. Or maybe its where the wise turn to religion. I'm going to stick with my belief of the former and see if it pays off. How can I hope for others to listen to my philosophies if I can't even put enough faith in myself that I am right? I've realized what I want and what my biggest flaws are. I have yet figure out if these flaws are correctable or even if they need to be corrected. I feel as though I've reached an experience peak and I have yet to figure out a way to push through it without seriously endangering important things in/of my life.

Talked with Rob tonight for a half hour. It's been quite some time since we last spoke to the point where I cannot remember when I did speak with him last. He seems to be doing well, new day same situations. I wish I would've been able to hang out with him in person and catch up before the summer was over. I feel like I've only told my stories in segments to different people and I wish I could sum it all up at once, for example to him. But I can't. All because I decide to put things off too long and then forget to follow through.

Everyone wants to live 'in the moment'. I have just learned to make my moment last as long as possible. That exact moment will almost never happen again, so why not take as much away from the experience as possible. The next step will be trying to mimic these moments to see if more can be taken from a single situation and where the peak/plateau lies.

My sleep schedule is already in school mode with the abuse of the semester having not yet taken place. I'm unsure as to whether that will be a benefit or if the homework load will put even more stress on this already burdened schedule.

I've got a lot more on my mind. I feel as though I don't want to type it without knowing what I would write ahead of time therefore the comments will be limited. I don't know what I need to do to convince myself to believe in myself. Hopefully this drastic change in lifestyle will be what I need to take my mind off of things. I will be able to get caught up in schoolwork, gator games, UF activites and the fall lifestyle without concerning myself with past problems. If I can put my faith in my philosophies maybe I will be rewarded for my actions. I suppose I should be scorned for not placing my faith elsewhere, but maybe I deserve to be scorned regardless of my choice.

I would like to add Adam Brody to my list of admirable famous people/actors. The first time I saw him I didn't like him but I was wrong, my apologies.

I'll end with what's on my mind:
"Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition"

"It's the only way I have learned to express myself: through other people's descriptions of life."

Wow! So I was just unpacking a box in my room before work and I came across a two-page MS Word Document that I believe was titled "I Remember" buried underneath a comforter meant for far colder climate and thus would never need to be unpacked. The paper would have a carbon date set 15-16 months ago if my estimations are correct. It's strange to see the difference between my thoughts from last summer compared to this one. It does help prove to myself that I am a different person now than I was a year ago, however, different doesn't necessarily mean better. Last years' document was two pages consisting of a list of happy memories and important events concluded with a large paragraph begging for another shot. The new document was three pages written as a letter with conscious paragraph flow and distinct thoughts within them. It didn't beg for another shot but rather explained my thoughts clearly and even offered the opportunity for friendship if it was desired. This time I had the courage to give the letter while the old one was left to be forgotten about at the bottom of a box. Last time she came back to me, this time she hasn't even called. What irony that I was happier when I wasn't happy with who I was as a person, yet I am the saddest I have ever been now that I am finally happy with who I am as a person. Is there a better way to combine the two than the obvious?

Mel moves up 'for good' tomorrow night I believe and has orientation all day Friday. Now that she'll be here I need to stop procrastinating buying a coffee table, TV stand, kitchen table and chairs. All this brings up the reminder the I need to call about getting my TV back. I would prefer to get the TV back before her birthday on Saturday (the big twenty-one) but there is no guarantee she will even be in town this week(end).

Running low on funds and I know that I need to do quite a bit of spending over the course of the next month or so. In addition to furniture and a phone, I need to buy books/school supplies and I want to buy some new clothes and maybe some gadgets. I've been picking up shifts recently to afford these soon to come expenses but I'm afraid it wont be enough pretty soon.

On the brighter side of things, Amelia is probably on her way back into town tonight! I'm sure that will bring me over to HQ after work for a few hours. Maybe that will inspire another post tonight.

----------------
Now playing: Motion City Soundtrack - L.G. Fuad
via FoxyTunes

"Tonight you are all going to be part of a social experiment"

Insight into one of my social experiments:

• "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
• "I'm leading a normal life and right along side me there is this myth"
• "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro"
• "Too weird to live, too rare to die"

Eerily similar are my thoughts, views and beliefs to those of Hunter S. Thompson. I feel a strange connection with/understanding of him without (obviously) ever meeting him. Believing that we may be the same 'type' of person, I may be unknowingly evolving his 'Gonzo journalism' concept to applications of research. The concept of reporting on an event by immersing yourself within it to gain a more full understanding of said event is the premise of Gonzo journalism. For future reference to myself, I will use the phrase 'extreme perspective' to describe this sort of situation . This 'Gonzo research' would offer a potential for better understanding the human psyche and what motivates us as a species by becoming enthralled in as many drives, thoughts, emotions, or anything else that makes up the functioning of the human mind that I can immerse myself within. I need to allow myself testing and exploration of many different mindsets and mental situations to try figuring out the limits of each theory and any possibly common threads from there. I realize polling would be easier if I could find volunteers, however, in my opinion this offers the most control over the experiment. To me that makes my data more valuable.

• Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is."- Albert Camus

We are the rare breed that is able to move beyond our instinctual drives, but to what extent? Our instincts and drives still exist and dictate our actions to a great degree. I believe I must fully understand what I am trying to move beyond before attempting to do so. In answering the 'what' I find the answer to the 'why' and from there should be able to figure out the 'how' with relative ease. "One often learns more from ten days of agony than from ten years of contentment.”- Merle Shain

• "Fear is a habit; so is self-pity, defeat, anxiety, despair, hopelessness and resignation. You can eliminate all of these negative habits with two simple resolves: 'I can' and 'I will'.”
• “There are four ways you can handle fear. You can go over it, under it, or around it. But if you are ever to put fear behind you, you must walk straight through it. Once you put fear behind you, leave it there.”

The point of all this research is to learn from it to help myself and others in the future. To create within my mind a reference for how to deal with certain aspects of life and how it relates to different perspectives. The only people that can't be helped are those who believe that nobody can understand them. I want to be able to help people and if the limiting factor is being able to relate then this should bridge the gap.

Here we go courtesy of M358, LoS, and caf: my day begins anew.

"You're face to face with the man who sold the world."

So I haven't posted in a brief while because I've had a lot of things on my mind that I did not wish to share with the masses (however small that may be). I just don't understand how people are able to live with themselves after some of the choices they make and resulting actions that occur. Do they just not understand the consequences of their actions or do they just not care? Are they able to see the error in their ways and be helped or are they lost causes? And finally, who are we to be able to decide the answers to these questions?

There is a reason I have lost faith in humanity. It seems as though a genuinely good natured person does not exist. And if they do, they fall into the realm of some other form of mind control (such as religion) that dictates their actions for them. Apparently it is too much to ask for people to WANT to act kind towards one another for no reason other than wanting to act in such a manner. If it isn't for God, for Jesus or for whatever then it isn't worth doing.

The "Do unto others..." quote to this generation is paraphrased as you should do kind to others in fear that if you don't they will do something evil back. It seems too difficult for such 'modernized 21st century people' to think of doing kind unto others because it is the right thing to do as an appropriate justification of one's actions. Instead we seek the fear as giving us a reason to act in a certain manner. Because right or wrong, fear is unfortunately always a justifiable excuse for any action.

So. What fear drives you? What fear drives me? There has to be something slowly brewing within me that dreads a certain set of circumstances. Something to which fear is my only natural response. Is it Failure? Rejection? Losing? Arachnids? All of the above? Any of these answers would be easily understood to an onlooker because they are mostly fears that a majority of the populous shares every day. Going back to that "Do unto others..." quote, I don't want to think of my actions as scripted by my own personal demons and fears. But rather, I'd like to view them as 'fear-less' guidelines for which to follow or base actions upon. To do the 'right' thing without expecting reward, and hoping that such a small action might help change people's outlook on their fellow human beings. Social experiment number two is under way, meanwhile S.E.#1 is moving along nicely but conclusions are still to come in the future.

[What's in my head]:
"You don't even see. They're laughing at you. Laughing at you to me."

"It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you"

Still without cable for the time being which translates into more boredom than I had originally thought. It's not that I watch that much TV normally but there's just nothing to do when strung out on painkillers while icing an injured leg. Ordinarily I would just surf the web a little to pass the time but stealing the neighbor's internet doesn't give a very good connection. In the meantime, I've hooked up my DVD player to give me something to watch but my movie selection is rather slim. So far I've watched Ocean's 11 and Batman Begins a few times each.

The real treat of the day for me was when I joined TR and his roommate John when they went to the movies to see Pineapple Express. I enjoyed the movie for what it was but thought it would be much better based upon its hype. James Franco played a great drug dealer and the storyline moved along quite nicely, however, the awkward situational comedy that has worked so well in Superbad and Knocked Up fell a little flat in my opinion. It was almost as if they were trying too hard rather than just letting it all flow together. Still one of the best groups of actors out there that participates in the same movies.

After the movie we decided to go to Mothers for a nice $2.66 burger and fries. By this point, the pain killers had completely taken over whatever part of my brain is responsible for caring about my surroundings and actions. I really enjoy hanging out with TR and John but I feel like every time so far that the three of us have hung out, at least one of us is too intoxicated to function properly. Guess this time was my turn, as I felt no desire to try to converse nor any ability to find conversation starters.

Upon returning from the movies, I walked home and proceeded to ice the leg some more and watch Batman Begins another time. The pain killers made the executive decision that I no longer needed to be awake so I entered into a perpetual state of delirium as I had to answer the phone at least a few times throughout the couple hours of mental exhaustion my body tried to pass off as sleep. It wasn't a restful slumber yet somehow I feel rejuvenated and clear headed enough to write and maybe do some laundry. Might head across the street later to chill and watch some movies (still no cable for them either) while abusing certain substances.

Andrew has been sleeping since around one o'clock pm after his graveyard shift last night and before his shift begins at midnight. Before he fell asleep he had mentioned that he doubts he will be going back to St. Pete since he doesn't have a ride down there. Not sure if that meant I was supposed to offer him a ride, but I didn't want to commit to offer something that I am not entirely sure of myself. He didn't seem too upset about the circumstance though as he looks at it as an opportunity to pick up extra shifts and make some extra money. He is working an awful lot though and I'm worried that he is unhealthily exhausting himself with all that work, although I trust that he knows his own limits. He goes to work and pretty much just sleeps away all the hours he spends here. I just hope he doesn't get burnt out from all that work and no play. I believe it is important to demonstrate a balance.

Just for the record, I will never again take my physical health for granted. Having an injury that requires constant attention and medication greatly limits my normal day-to-day activities and I cannot wait for this unfortunate circumstance to be over and dealt with. I want to be able to walk again without hobbling. I want to be able to put my room together the way I want it, to do house work and such, to work out again. I loathe having to schedule my day around needing to ice the leg and make decisions based upon knowing that I need to stay off said leg.

Of all the days/weeks for me to be sidelined with an injury, this timing has to be one of the worst possible. I want nothing more than to be able to take control of my life and make myself happy with new situations, however, I feel completely incapable of doing anything for myself which is beginning to cause mild depression and anxiety. I need this leg to heal in order for me to feel like a whole person again rather than one-hundred fifty pounds of lethargy. I just wish there was something more I could do to speed up the healing process.

What's in my head: "I lost many assumptions about the simple nature of right and wrong. And when I traveled, I learned the fear before a crime and the thrill of success. But I never became one of them."

"It just sickens 'them' what I consider fun."

Poor cell reception at the new place: need to figure out a way to fix that problem. Also need to find an entertainment center, coffee table and dining room table. The whole letter situation has been taken care of with a minimal amount of destructive emotion, however in my guilty conscience for making her even come by, I forgot to even ask about the TV. Moving on to the next set of good news/bad news: I got a series of x-rays taken of my leg and ankle and none of them showed a fracture or break, however, there's nothing the doctor can really do except tell me to take anti-inflammatory meds and pain killers while icing it until it heals itself. He prescribed me some pain killers for the time being and said he wants to see me again in seven-to-ten days.

So I have the next FOUR days off work, which continues the good news/bad news motif. The good news being that I'm supposed to stay off my ankle and shouldn't be working any of the next four days and the bad being the lack of funds for said days. In addition, I will be able to get cable and internet set up as well as start getting the house in order. Brought some people to the new place tonight and they all said they think it looks nice. My neighbor whom I work with walked over with a buddy to chill and helped rearrange the couches in my front room. Looks a lot more like I have imagined it will look. TR said the cable company was coming out here on Thursday for his place so I need to call them tomorrow and see if they can set mine up while they're here. Just a side note: the more I hang out with TR, the more I start to like chillin with the dude. No homo.

I gotta end the blog here for now, doctor's orders. Just need to ice the leg for a little bit and maybe do some laundry or watch a movie or something. If I can't sleep there will be more to come before sunrise (if I were a betting man....).

"Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money"

So we began the night with how most nights at Wolfe's begin. As previously stated bars normally do me in so I tried to keep that to a minimum. This girl and then TR both came over and we all threw down for a dutch. Thankfully the throbbing pain in my right leg was able to be numbed out of my consciousness for a little while. At least I ended up meeting that girl Bridget. I believe she will prove to be a very nice connection with Molly (which would be amazing). We exchanged numbers and hopefully she'll be able to come through for me. She seems like a girl of her word (if that isn't an oxymoron) and was willing to practically give me some perks for free for my leg pain (instead I traded a green pill for some).

After chillin for a little while at Wolfe's, TR and I decided to head back to 'the block'. It turns out that we live across the street and one house over from one another so I head over there and we keep burning while watching Team America. Met his roommate and their buddy and we all discussed if we'd met our neighbors or not and how we need to throw like a huge block party.

Work today half retarded. The sis and JP go home tonight and I think it may be Wolfe's last night in town so we might do it big or go to beer toss or something. After work I've gotta get the rest of this shit moved out and clean the place up a little bit. Might get to go meet Wolfe's guy since he's moving to Sarasota on Monday and needs a replacement.

I really hope the next 36 hours ends up being as productive as I need it to be. Between meet & greets, meet & gives, moving, bank visits and possible doctor visits, I'm going to be busy as hell but that's the best chance of staying motivated towards getting it all done.

"I'm not that desperate. Oh no! Oh god. I am!"

I always liked the Kurt Vonnegut quote: 'Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.' as a good way to try to live my life. How do you know if you are at the edge or not? Only if you go too far, cross that line across the edge and into the unknown. I interpret KV's 'edge' as that of mental stability, where crossing the line would imply insanity. I think I am able to cross that line on occasion on purpose. It's enthralling. Nobody ever seems to be happier than a crazy person that gets whatever it is that they want.

I'm afraid, yet at the same time completely enamored with the idea that I may be able to control my own (in)sanity. I need to find a way for it to be productive to be insane.

On a lighter note, I need to go to an orthopedic doctor Monday/Tuesday to get my leg looked at. My dad believes it could be a stress fracture and I believe it happened in 10th grade (hence when I stopped playing sports). Which brings me to the point: I think my tolerance for pain is too high. I've possibly been living, working, playing all sorts of sports for over 4 years with a partially broken right leg. If this ends up fixing my leg so that I don't have to take at least a day off in between sports days I'll be ecstatic! That will be my 'rebirth' second shot at living. I'll train and work myself back into shape enough to play for some club team or try out for a UF team if there is one.

By the way the new house is coming together slowly but surely. I'm almost all moved in but since I don't have internet set up there yet I'm still here using it in a dirty/mostly empty room. I can't wait for this new year of school and all the new challenges and changes from just a year ago. Moving with JP, sis and the rents made me realize how different I am. Such the social outcast to their idea of a normal life in my own house with my own family. So I wonder to myself why should I feel like such a leper around them? Is it because of the late nights and social circles? They are the only people I know that I am not able to stop feeling uncomfortable around. Need to work on that.

Favorite Famous People List Addition [self explanatory]:
Aaron Lewis
Dave Attell
Daniel Tosh
Heath Ledger (R.I.P.)

Currently in my head [see above]:
"You're in my web now. I've come to wrap you up tight 'till its time to bite down."

"Nothing exists but this"

Philosophy updates [this section will include updates on my current philosophies about mankind]:
I believe that the only way to truly find happiness is to be crazy.
I believe that everyone in the world is a little bit crazy in one way or another (even if they hide it from themselves and/or others).
I believe that everyone is addicted to something.

And that last philosophy update brings me to an interesting theory. I believe my dad is addicted to coke. Not cocaine, but coca-cola. After we finished moving the last of the furniture with the truck he asked me where the nearest gas station was so he could get a couple bottles of coke. Growing up, our pantry was always stocked with at least two 2-Liter Coca-Cola bottles in addition to one full bottle in the fridge and one bottle whose remains were anywhere between zero and seventy-five percent full. I believe that coke brand's 'chemical x' is some kind of derivative of cocaine though. It's amazing how powerfully a sip of that acidic syrupy liquid scorching the back of your tongue and throat will keep you awake and productive.

So I didn't finish the post after the shower, the 'bars really do me in' theory proved itself again. Didn't end up going to the beach with Murph or Cira so I did stay in town for Wolfe's going away party. Mel and JP came up around two-o'clock yesterday with a truck and trailer full of her belongings. I had been helping Britni move when they got in town so we drove over to the new place to give Mel the keys and help her move some stuff before the rain came. On the way, I got a phone call from the only person I shouldn't get a phone call from. I answered and we both pretended that it wasn't completely awkward to be on the phone with one another by performing a perfectly calm and casual conversation as if we had been speaking on a regular basis. I felt 'out of it' for the whole day after that call and having to deal with my sister during her bitch week wasn't helping things, especially since moving doesn't make my list of fun events. Even at Wolfe's party I was really reserved. I was physically there but my mind was racing everywhere. I did get a text saying that someone reminded them of me and that they missed me, which put at least a slight positive light on such a gloomy day.

I slept on an angled mattress last night with no box spring as per my scatter brained half-moved furniture situation. After almost no sleep the night before I had to be up early for the arrival of the rents. I packed up most of my smaller belongings and took some with me to meet them at the new house. The slight rain afforded us an excuse to get food before grabbing the large furniture items (which was great since I hadn't eaten in around 24 hours). After eating the gourmet Chinese food from the food court at the mall (haha) my dad and I went back to the old place to start loading up. Andrew was zonked out from work the night before in the 'garage' but I'm pretty sure all the noise we were making didn't wake him up. After a few trips back and forth we've finally moved everything that we would need a truck to move. I returned here to start getting the rest of my stuff together and clean up (slacking big time though), get in a better state of mind, write here and check some things online. Gotta go to dinner with the family at around 6:30 so I should be tying this up for now.

One good piece of news I found out from my dad while we were moving everything was that Against Me! is playing at Jannus the beginning of October. I figured if they were playing in Florida they'd have to be playing a show in G'ville, so I looked on Ticketmaster. Sure enough they play in St. Pete on a Friday night and Gainesvegas two nights later at Common Grounds. Might have to go to at least one of those shows for sure.