"I visit hell on a daily basis, and I see the sadness in all your faces"

So Fay has been teasing us for the last few days. All I've been hearing is how 'tomorrow is supposed to be really bad weather' for the last few days. Today began that bad weather but according to the satellite we are just at the beginning. I hope that nothing goes awry because of the storm but I'm almost glad there is a storm here. I find peace with the storm present. It's as if I feel the pressure change within myself or maybe it just makes everyone else's lives seem as chaotic and tumultuous as mine is on a daily basis. This is not how I had planned to spend my last few days before school started up again for the Fall '08 semester. Then again, how had I planned to spend that time? I hadn't. I have the next couple days off of work so I should really get everything together that I need for school and find a fourth class to fill my schedule up.

I'm going to miss this state of mind/being. It's taken an entire summer of experimenting and putting my body through unethical and illicit circumstances to figure out exactly what brings about this state. I'm happy with my findings yet am not done with my research. I don't know how often or even when the next time will be that I will be able to continue this research.

This is the reason to be in Gainesville though. With classes beginning in just a few days, there are millions of people who would love the opportunity to be in this city doing half of what I'm doing. I need to keep that in mind when the demons of depression come knocking. Even though I know and preach of looking at the big picture, for some reason it is still so easy to concentrate on recent events and get caught up in all the thoughts that entails. Zoom out. If I appear to be happy to others and in a lucky situation and capable of having so much in front of me, why is it so hard for me to think about anything but this black hole in my mind?

I know how and why I have classified myself in certain ways throughout my life. This is where the weak turn to religion. Or maybe its where the wise turn to religion. I'm going to stick with my belief of the former and see if it pays off. How can I hope for others to listen to my philosophies if I can't even put enough faith in myself that I am right? I've realized what I want and what my biggest flaws are. I have yet figure out if these flaws are correctable or even if they need to be corrected. I feel as though I've reached an experience peak and I have yet to figure out a way to push through it without seriously endangering important things in/of my life.

Talked with Rob tonight for a half hour. It's been quite some time since we last spoke to the point where I cannot remember when I did speak with him last. He seems to be doing well, new day same situations. I wish I would've been able to hang out with him in person and catch up before the summer was over. I feel like I've only told my stories in segments to different people and I wish I could sum it all up at once, for example to him. But I can't. All because I decide to put things off too long and then forget to follow through.

Everyone wants to live 'in the moment'. I have just learned to make my moment last as long as possible. That exact moment will almost never happen again, so why not take as much away from the experience as possible. The next step will be trying to mimic these moments to see if more can be taken from a single situation and where the peak/plateau lies.

My sleep schedule is already in school mode with the abuse of the semester having not yet taken place. I'm unsure as to whether that will be a benefit or if the homework load will put even more stress on this already burdened schedule.

I've got a lot more on my mind. I feel as though I don't want to type it without knowing what I would write ahead of time therefore the comments will be limited. I don't know what I need to do to convince myself to believe in myself. Hopefully this drastic change in lifestyle will be what I need to take my mind off of things. I will be able to get caught up in schoolwork, gator games, UF activites and the fall lifestyle without concerning myself with past problems. If I can put my faith in my philosophies maybe I will be rewarded for my actions. I suppose I should be scorned for not placing my faith elsewhere, but maybe I deserve to be scorned regardless of my choice.

I would like to add Adam Brody to my list of admirable famous people/actors. The first time I saw him I didn't like him but I was wrong, my apologies.

I'll end with what's on my mind:
"Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition"